Today......

Today would have been Kirnan's and My one year anniversary. It's sad but he made this decision. NOT me. I had a long therapy session today and surprise surprise, guess what the topic was. Unfortunately my therapist has put me in a retrospective state of mind. I'm sad today but I'm surrounded by friends and family. I'm moving forward at an alarming rate. Today I wasn't numb or angry as I have been the last few days...I'm just sad. Sad for kirnan. Sad for Josh. Sad for the way things ended up happening in the past 2 weeks. Fortunately enough I've been in this situation before...I know how to handle it. It may not be right or justified but it'll keep me safe. I told my therapist today that it's gonna be a while before I can let go fully and not HATE them. I don't hate them I'm just sad for them but as it's been said many times before "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" I have no doubt that this will ultimately make me a stronger person but at the same time it will also make me a more 'protected' person. I see the hopeless romantic in me as a weakness. Kirnan proved that. It'll be a long time (if ever) before I come to a realization that he loved me in the first place. I can't allow myself to believe that right now. How could someone LOVE another person and hurt them so violently and maliciously. When Kirnan Left he had destroyed the apartment. He just wanted to be as far away from me as quickly as he possibly could. That's not love in my eyes. That's the farthest thing from it. Not necessarily hate but definitely not love. I don't hate them but I can't stop myself from basking in the misery I hope he/ they feel. The desire for redemption. The lonley nights where all he thinks of is me. I envision him crying all alone with nobody to turn to but the realist in me knows that none of this is happening. The reality of the matter is that chances are Kirnan has already found a bed to warm and josh has found someone else to use till comes the day he no longer has need of them. I know that Kirnan doesn't desire redemption as he feels completely justified in what he said and did but despite all these conflicting thoughts. I still hold hope knowing full well that it will never come. This is the weakness within me but with everyday that passes I fight it harder and harder till one day, some far away future (or maybe not so far away), I erase it from my Book of Life. I rip out the chapter that caused me so much pain. It's been shown that if you tell yourself a lie enough, repeat it as a mantra daily, there comes a day where that lie no longer holds to its boundaries as a lie. It becomes a false truth. Sometimes even a false truth can do more positive then negative...That day will come. Even though I know he'll never read this (he didn't care enough in the relationship to read my blog why start now) and even though I know my puppy has been put down, Today I stop to think about and acknowledge what could have been and wonder what our one year anniversary would have been like.