I'm hoping after tonight things will start getting easier. The waining of the moon helps with pushing things away from ones self. I'm in alot of pain right now but I intend to change that soon. I see and realize the inevitability before me now. No more childish hope. No more wishes upon stars that don't care. Only I have the ability to change this and I certainly intend to do so. I've done alot of thinking today and I've come to some conclusions. Firstly, I miss Kirnan very much. Secondly, Kirnan was a horrible boyfriend. Sure there were good parts but ultimately he hasn't a clue what being in a relationship means. Kirnan blames me for all of this and will forever be infallible in his head. He so much as send me a text message blaming me for letting him go the night he left. I had no say in the matter whatsoever but it makes him feel better to think that. Then that's fine by me. He can justify it anyway he wants. He made a mistake. A rash decision in the heat of an argument and the pit of a depression but kirnan's too proud to express remorse or seek redemption. That's just not him. He physically can't sacrifice himself for the sake if another. Not many people can. The biggest difference between him and I is simply this. His default is to run where as mine is to fight. I believe "love" is worth fighting for. I didn't want this. I wanted him to stay and fight for us but ultimately he didn't care enough or love us enough to do that. There was a time I'd lay my life down for him if only he had asked. The sad part is he'll never have a clue what that means. Another sleepless night wishing he was here and cursing his name in the same breath. Hope against the inevitable is wasted energy. I know that but right now the little idoit in my head tells me to hang on for one more day or one more week. Pointless. I'm wasting my energy right now. He'll never read this and even if he did he'd never take action. I realize people don't change. I thought we were getting somewhere but I was very wrong. Yet another illusion set before my eyes.
"Nothing dazzles me.
I am in his dreams.
Nothing is shocking.
Transparent human being.
-sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Full Moon
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2 comments:
I get what you mean.. I may not have much experience in dating but its horrible being in a relationship with someone who doesn't understands the meaning of the word.
We spent a little while together before the decision to move to England. It was talked about and understood that he would come join us when he was ready and able to but for some reason he saw it as us abandening him. he spend the past year holding it over my head when in all actuallity he was the reason we moved back to the states.He wasn't the only reason but he was a huge deciding factor in the decision. I sometimes think what life would have been like if he wasn't in the picture. Would I be sitting comfortably on Brighton beach or walking the streets of Royal Tunbridge Wells? who knows.
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