.....Weirdness

OK, lemme start with the....not so weird. Thanks to a sizable donation from my Mama and a little help from Jay I got myself a brand new professional tripod and a new multi purpose flash card for "The Beast" The new tripod is SOOOOO much better then what I was working with before. It's got a stainless steel ball head which gives me MUCH more control over angle and the lightweight aluminum alloy legs extend all the way down to about 6 inches from the floor so its gonna be GREAT for my macro work. The flash bounce card on top of the flash unit is a 80/20 bounce with several inserts which will give me a MUCH better control over light. The 80/20 bounce lets 80% of the flash bounce from the ceiling and 20% reflects straight out at the subject filling in the sometimes harsh shadows that can result from direct flash or bounced flash. Blah Blah Blah.

OK, so now on to the weird. out of the blue Kirnan sent me a text asking if I would mind him coming over and talking to me. Anyone who knows me knows how apprehensive I was when faced with this especially so soon after I had finally come to terms with things and started to look towards the future instead of dwelling on the "what ifs" of the past. so after a few texts back and forth to try and feel out what his intentions were I agreed to hold an audience with him. The night (last night) was separated into two parts. The first part was nothing but him shooting blame and venom at me which I had no interest in hearing. I was hoping for the best when he got here but expected exactly what had happened so I made it clear to him I didn't have any interest in what was happening and I asked him what reason he had to drive an hour to Schenectady just to make sure I knew his thoughts, feelings and justifications for what had happened. So he left....again. Jay and I talked a bit and he convinced me to ask Kirnan back in an attempt to try and talk more civilly. The energy when he came back the second time was much different then when he left. I'm still not 100% sure of what happened as I'm still trying to process and analyze this night but the gist of it is as follows: Kirnan ultimately seeks redemption and IS sorry for what happened between us. As am I. I'll be the first to admit that I'm NOT easy to deal with most times. I have very refined protection processes and I made it very clear to Kirnan that if he thinks he's strong enough to be what I need him to be he'll have to deal with much higher walls this time around. I refuse to be with someone who's not in it for the long run so to speak. He's got one hell of a wall to climb now and ALOT to prove to me. I don't know if he physically/ emotionally do this but if in three months things aren't obviously better he's going to move to Florida with his family. Nobody's even thinking at this point of Kirnan moving back in. I don't know if I want him back here. I don't even know if the opening myself up to this hurt again is worth it but there's a chance. A small possibility of hope. A little kid in the back of my head that still believe in the power of a mythical, magical love. A power that can over come anything and everything. Hell, my Altar is dedicated to the idea of perfect love and perfect trust. So, it seems as though this is round three for Kirnan and I. Jay's happy. Kirnans happy he's getting the opportunity and I'm just kinda numb right now. I don't even know how to act around him. He's suppose to come over tomorrow after work and hang out a bit but I don't know what to expect.