Today was an introspective day. I thought alot about the desire I stated in the previous blog. The over whelming need to think more about myself then others. I have soo much negativity in my life I need to stop caring and worrying about shit I can't control. I can no longer waste my precious energy on the inevitable and unwavering. I need to take back my life from the blackness that's consumed it. it's taken many forms and faces over the years and I don't know if I can defeat this monster but I CAN fight it and maybe someday I'll learn to control it.
I've been feeling very ugly and unattractive as of late....nothing new there but this time I'm doing something about it both mentally and physically. It'll take some work but I have to get to my "ideal" weight and I need to KNOW that I'm attractive again. Josh and I work out nearly everyday. We go for walks most nights which are spent bitching about life and such. it's therapeutic. Josh is the only person in my life that I can completely open up to. He understands me and most time makes me feel better. Unfortunately most of what we talk about can't be said outside of our lil circle but I guess that's what makes a best friend just that.
I've lost 10 lbs since coming home from England YAY!
I've been more social as of late. I've met a few new people online, went out to hang out with friends tonight. I'm gonna try to be more social both physically and online. Most nights I sit here and just stew about one thing or another...blaming certain people for making me feel like this. I'm going to change that. I can't expect others to change when they obviously have no desire to but unfortunately that means I'm back into "protection mode" more or less. It's ok though. I'm comfortable here. It's safe.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
A Continuation of the Day Before and the Day Before and......
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I hope this message goes through, so that I may write this poem on paper someday....
I unclasp my hands from around my knees... with no desire to look back; and face what's ahead of me. The solid ground I'm on is not solid or stable, but strong enough to carry me comfortably. I get on my feet and look out around me. Above me is an overcast, beautiful dusk. Around me is not so comforting. Dark waters, naked against elements, less than solid paths that may not be strong enough to hold my wieght- the weight of the world burdened on my shoulders. Out ahead is land, I can't see it but I know it's there. I stopped, and crouched because the water seems my only option. Dark, Murky, Unclean and scary water. I am left with a choice, with many options to choose from. So I made it. A voice tells me if I fall in the water, I'll be pulled up, with love. I stopped because I was afraid of the water. But now I know I need it. Or I'll stay naked, and fetal, in unstable terrain... uncertain ground... With little confidence I start to move forward, but fall to the side instead, and into the water- My worste fear suddenly and unwillingly realized, and sink to the bottom. I see a hand reach in, but do not feel worthy of it. It becons me, but I'm afraid the consequence of grabbing it. But I do. And my head is pulled above water. The hand has a body now... a heart and most purest of souls. The water does not like this arm, and starts to trickle up the arm, consuming it, ready to pull it and any entity behind it into the water. Hope is lost, but I realize I've had the weapon to conquer this fear all along. I grab the knife... now a sword... and gracefully cut around your beautiful manifestation to release the waters hold. I feel the warmth of a smile, and dusk turns to day avoiding night all together. We are out of the water, together. This one entity is many faces. Some will come briskly and move on new paths out of sight, out of mind. Not this one, though. This one is beside, not in front of nor behind. But is always a step ahead to warn of danger, one step behind to give me that extra push. But right beside me. I see that now. Our paths may seperate, or wind in different directions, but they are still connected. You seem to make the choice I have made allready. Time to jump in this murky water AHEAD. It is only a small obsticle of lifes' many. And the land is strong ahead, but nothing worth getting to is going to be easy, or on "somewhat" steady ground... Not this time anyway. This time we have to dive deep into the dark, to pull out the light. Change is here, not later, not before, but now. There is one, and many, that are referenced here in this land of life in metaphors. Friend, Family, Foe, Self, and Faith. There is much significance to every word, every detail used to describe this trip. Where is this all leading? The water's too dark dark to see the outcome... please have faith with me that it IS good. All that is wrong is hanging on tight to drown me, but I am breathing deep to release thier grip. So much sense in nonsense, I know. You'll get it, I'll get it, WE will get it. I promise.
~hmmm so yeah, that's what I had to say. Save my poem, it holds my heart out for the world to see if they are willing to open thier eyes. :-)
Love You.
I'm glad you have someone you can open up to completely. We all need that. I guess I need that too. I foolishly wish I could be that person too, but I realize that is somewhat unrealistic. I'm too tied into you. I can't ask what I don't really give in turn. Josh is a saving light so often. He is needed in all our lives. Thank you Josh.
Honey, I wish I had something profound to say, I always do, and yet I always seem to be tongue tied. The rights words never seem to be found. I just want to say two simple things. It's really all it comes down to. You need to do everything you can to make you happy. Anything you can try. I'll be here to support you. The other thing is, I just pray, and beg, that you don't lose that person that I'm so deeply in love with in the process. You are my world. I love you. Jay
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