Shitty Few Days

The last few days have been nothing short of shitty. This place is a cesspool of negativity which seems to be border lining on disdain. I feel like a stranger in my own home. Life just sucks right now. I'm trying to stay away from one of the boys as much as I can because I tired of being treated like shit and feeling like shit because of it. I'm tired of being treated like this. I'm tired of feeling "less then" from someone I love. The shittiest thing is he hasn't a clue what he's doing or what it's doing to me even though it's been in his face for a while now. Some people just can't see what others consider obvious. My faith is waining....fast. I feel inevitability bearing down on me. I've been trying to meditate more partly due to the fact that I need a little more clarity in my life and partly due to the excuse it gives me in being alone...Not alone. Outside the sphere of negativity. Along with working out constantly I've also been really focusing on stretching. I miss being as fit as I used to be when I was younger plus there's the added benefit of being feeling and looking sexier. I need then. I need to feel desired and attractive and it's certainly not happening as of late. It's now the 2nd of February and my birthday is creeping up on me fast. 25 is going to be a tough age for me. A quarter of a century and what makes it worse is that I would be surprised if anyone even remembered or did anything special for me. Maybe that's just my insecurities talking but as it stands now Jay is already busy the day of my birthday at no fault of his own of course...Jay would never do that to me. He has to go to Boston for 2 days to interview for College...Just so happens to fall right on my birthday but such is life i guess. I don't hold anything against him for it....it just sucks not that I was expecting anything special anyway. I'll probably just end up staying home just like every other day and fill it with 12 hours of photo processing.