Blessed New Year

For those of you who are a little confused by the title of this entry, The new year according to Pagan/Wiccan beliefs is a holiday called Samhain. It falls on the 31st day of October. It marks the end of the harvest, the first official grasp of winter on the land and the death of the Goddess's consort who she will inevitably give birth to in the spring to start the cyclical year over again. (oh. like Christian mythology isn't just as weird lol.)

Things have been alright as of late. I finally saw the doctor regarding some issues I've been in need of addressing The biggest and most dire of which is my sleep pattern...or lack there of. It was a bitter sweet moment because on one hand I started a chain of events in play that will hopefully end up in my getting the help I now realize I so desperately need. On the other hand to do that I'm forced to revisit the best and worse time in my short life. My sorted relationship with "My White Mistress". No...not coke...Ambien. Unfortunately I need it. My doctor and I have tried every combination of sleep aide there is less the REALLY heavy shit which I'm understandably adverse to. That's the next step unfortunately as it doesn't seem to be having the same effect on me as it once did. I'm trying to fix things and I realise it requires a certain level of sacrifice I just hope I don't loose myself on the way.

Jason has been busting his ass studying for a test he's already taken 5 years ago. He's going back to school to get his PHD in psychology. Dr. Jason will be a professor when all said and done. I'm proud of him. I want him to be happy and I'm willing to make sacrifices there as well. The path towards his PHD wont be easy on any of us but it's what he has to do. It's what will make him happy and I stand behind him %100. It also means that in a years time we may all have to relocate to where ever his school is. Could be anywhere from right here down the street or as far west as California. Needless to say I'm hoping for the former. I already have home issues and this certainly doesn't help. I've had a problem feeling as if I was "home" since before I moved out of my apartment with my roommate Mikey. I miss Mikey. We were very close once upon a time but unfortunately it seems as if Mikey has only enough room within him for one thing, his Voodoo practice. I think it was the one thing that drove us apart. He became consumed by it and changed not to mention I believe that voodoo nearly killed me...literally via a house fire this time last year. I wish we could find a common ground to connect with again like we once had with Kung Fu flicks and video games. I certainly don't go blameless through this loss though. there are things I could have done/ could do to salvage the once great friendship we shared. I don't know. Maybe I've just grown too bitter, to consumed myself. There are alot of people I wish stayed in my life Cal, Warren (The first guy I dubbed my "Brother"), Guy, Tina The list goes on and on depressingly. Sure there are things I could have done. Hind sight is 20/20 right?

Now on to less depressing matters. I recently cut all my longish hair off. It's crazy short now. I like it like this. I don't have to worry about anything with it. I think I may keep it like this for a while. Right now I need "easy".

Mama calls me nearly every day to check up on me and see how I'm holding up. I look forward to her calls although sometimes I'm admittedly a little short with her. I don't mean to be. sometimes I just don't have the patience for anyone or anything. I know I worry her and that tears me up inside. I honestly don't know what I'd do if something happened to her. My mom and I have an amazing relationship. Ya know that woman in your life who's mother to all of your friends and all of their friends?...That's my mom. Most of my friends growing up and now even know her only as Mama. (I look forward to her long winded and sappy response to this one, They always put a smile of my face)