The Den of the Vulpine Boi

2009-10-08T22:44:00.007-04:00

Things have been going soo well recently. It's been a while since my last post and soo much has happened I don't know where to start. I STILL love my job. Things are going very well @ work. I'm happy. I'm paid well. Every things great on that front.
Jay and I were adopted by a kitty. She's the sweetest kitty I've ever met. Her name's Mina. Today was her first Vet appointment. She did very well, wasn't a fan of getting shots but who is? There are absolutely no downfalls to this kitty. Shes the sweetest, gentlest lil girl I've ever met. Shes got a little mousey meow, She hates to be alone so she follows you everywhere. Soon Mina will have a brother or sister as Jay and I are looking for a boxer pup to complete the house. I'll try to update more ofton although I've been very busy recently. Busy is good sometimes.

Looking Up?

2009-08-18T18:40:00.002-04:00

Things might finally be looking up. I got the job I've been after, making not so horrible money. The move is coming up on us although not fast enough. I just wanna get out of here. Way to many bad memories. I've been doing non stop research on the breed of our possible new family member. I've always had an affinity for Boxers but the more I learn about the breed the more I want one. The breed is perfect for me. The plan is to train the pup VERY thoroughly. I plan on taking the dog everywhere I can so through training is a must.

Trying Times

2009-08-16T00:54:00.002-04:00

The times, as of late, have been very trying. Life has thrown me soo many curve balls recently I've given up trying to catch them. We're moving in a few weeks to a new appartment. One that will allow us a dog. it's 1 of 2 things I have in my life to look forword to. The other is a job that if it works out the way I'm hoping could make things MUCH easier financially. I'm finding it hard to hope for the best because well, life has not been very nice to me as of late. Everything around me has been torn down and rebuild so many times I just cant believe that it wont be torn down again. I know that I have self worth issues. why else would I allow myself to live in this miserable life for as long as I have? I need to do something about it. This job will change everything. I'll finally have the resources to change things in whatever way I feel is best. The first of possibly many is getting a dog. although I've been going back and forth wondering if its even a good idea in the first place...at least until other things get fixed. Who knows, it could be the lubricant that helps fix somethings but it could be the complete opposite and I'm not just willing to bring an animal into the shit storm that is my life unless I KNOW that I cant supply them with the absolutle best life I can give them.

My Sister Passes On.

2009-08-09T02:02:00.002-04:00

Tonight I was told that my sister Zoie suffered a stroke after a seizure and passed on. I haven't been able to stop crying yet. I'm laying here in bed with my stuffed Zoie dog watching the memorial candle flicker on my altar. It's difficult to type through tears. I'll be crying for a long time. Nobody knows what that dog really meant to me. She was my sister. I love you peanut. I'll see you on the other side.

Stange Turn of Events

2009-07-08T14:36:00.004-04:00

I'll start with the most drastic. Jay has decided that he does not want to go to Nova. To me it was a seemingly impromptu decision but apparently he's been thinking about this for a while now. I agree with his choice however. Nova U. is NOT a great school and when everything is said and done he would have walked out of there with a sub-par PhD and a quarter of a million dollars in debt. He's going to work on his application for next year or the following year which conveniently opens up time for the next drastic change in our lives. For anyone who knows me well knows that I was in a 3way relationship for a year. The third ended up being a loony toon but I digress. The relationship when it was good (which it was most of the time) was perfect in almost every way less the odd issue one has to deal with when dealing with a loon. It was completely balancing and complimentary and I miss the overwhelming support and love that once filled this place. Well, It seems that the stakes have been raised as of late. I wont disclose too much information about them till I seek permission to do so but It seems Jay and I found another couple interested in sharing their outwardly perfect relationship with us. I've known these guys for YEARS and they have always been a point of reference when thinking about perfect relationships. Ever since I met these guys (almost as long as I've known Jay)I've had deep, powerful emotions for them. They are one in a billion as far as I'm concerned and I feel honored that they want to see if things might progress into something more. There are very few people that truly understand what it is to be a man not held back by the judo-christian barriers of love. I'll never understand it for as long as I live. How can love be categorized into a box like that? To me love is all encompassing and fluid. I'm not tied to a single person the way most are. Maybe it's because I understand the emotion far better then most...maybe I'm just fucked up...Who knows. To me love is the willingness to sacrifice absolutely everything you are for the sake of another. There are many points of love in my life obviously Jay, My brother William, my Mother, my best friend Chris, my Starwood family The list goes on and on and I'm proud to say that the list continues to grow. The guys I spoke of earlier...I would gladly lay my life down for them should they ask....That's love.

Life change.

2009-07-06T08:24:00.001-04:00

There's been a major change in the path set before us. I can't comment
on what it is right now but it seems life has a much different path
for us. I'll explain more when I can.

N. Fox Lancaster
Photographer/ Artist
http://www.vulpineye.com

Sent from my iPhone.

The sky filled with fire...

2009-07-05T02:03:00.001-04:00

Jay and I had an awsome day today with mama. We went to Albany to see
the 4th of July fireworks. They were well impressive. I've been
running on absolutly no sleep for the past 2 days. I won't get into
why as it is of a sencitive nature, but I will say that I thuroughly
enjoyed and gladly sacrificed my sleep for the events mentioned. I
wish I could go into greater detail but I can't.
Starwood approaches and our time here (in NY) nears the end. I will
cry the day we start on our journey with thoughts of what could have
been but ever hopeful of the path we have before us. This is a good
step. Could be the best we've ever taken. Our life starts anew but
what of our old?

N. Fox Lancaster
Photographer/ Artist
http://www.vulpineye.com

Sent from my iPhone.

I had a dream a few nights ago....

2009-07-04T17:39:00.003-04:00

about a little monochrome, patchwork kitten named Mika. I'm not sure who she is or where she'll come from but I'm sure she will be apart of our life soon. I tend to think shes a rescue from either the street or from a kennle. I've seen her face. I'll know her when I see her.....

2009-06-21T02:16:00.002-04:00

Had an awsome night and meal with shawn. He's a very sweet guy and VERY cute. as expected the night was speckled with talk of you know who....found out some very interesting information about him. I've never been more afraid for his well being as I am right now. He needs help but its really none of my concern...Maybe I'll start an "Survivers of Kirnan" support group :-P I think we definately plan on seeing Shawn again and ya know what Kirnan, Your right....We do have alot in commen.

Dinner and inconsistencies

2009-06-20T18:54:00.005-04:00

Tonight has the potential to be a weird night. When jay gets home from work we have a dinner date with jays ex of ten years past (Shawn) who just so happens to be kirnan's most recent ex mentioned in the above blog. He's planing on a multi course Japanese meal. From what I hear food is a big passion of his. I've only seen photos of him but from what I saw he's definitely a hottie. The night may end much better then expected. I'm sure the night will be dashed with talk of kirnan and what he's done to us all....unfortunately. Although I'm curious as to what information he believes to be true and spreads liberally amongst his circle. I've heard tell of some....inconsistencies in his "once" real life. Whatever the circumstance I'm sure tonight will be interesting and informing.

*UPDATE*
litterally 3 seconds after I posted this guess who messaged me... Yes! captian inconsistancy himself. His message?.... "Ya know I think you and shawn may have more in comment then you may think" to which my responce was "How so?" and followed by ".....I don't really care"

2009-06-18T01:11:00.005-04:00

Well, I finally got....permission to spill what I had said last night. The other night Jay left work and went to hang out with a friend who had been dating kirnan since march (which is interesting considering he flipped out and left on march 7th but didn't leave the picture entirely for another few weeks while we "Try to see if things could work") . The reason why is that kirnan had been doing some very weird things as of late....nothing we hadn't seen before. He kept catching kirnan in little lies, strategically loosing a phone that later jay confirmed was in his possession when he said it wasn't, not being where he said he was, some weird behaviour and then he just disappeared....yeah, sounds familiar. There was one bit of information I learned that kinda shocked me (Although, I'm not sure it should have as I knew he has delusions like this) He told this person that he was a Centaur.....Yes, Kirnan thinks that he is a Centaur. its only slightly more worrying from when I found out that he was actively searching the web for ACTUAL ways to shape shift into a werewolf....I dealt with this by pushing it out of my head as I didn't want to consider what it meant at the time. There is a very real and clear problem in kirnans head. The dark part of me ravels in their obvious slow and painfull decent into madness but the light in me feels very sorry for them. That part wants to reach out and help them as I know better then most what path they follow. When I first heard it was the darkness that ruled my emotions but that has since been replaced by the light. I just feel so sorry for them and the people they hurt and continue to hurt.

The world I know....

2009-06-16T21:31:00.003-04:00

is changing so quickly. I used to be scared all the time. I used to be militantly anti-social. I would have a hard time walking half a block away to buy cigarettes. my life was RULED by fear and now......Nothing. no fear, no drama. Just...Normal. I feel so liberated. I set up one more appointment with my therapist and that's it. No more therapy. exactly 16 sessions and my life has been turned around.
Jay and Iwent on the Big Gay Cruise in Troy a few nights ago. There were a ton of people and I got smashed and had a BLAST. That night ended in such a way that I crawled into bed at 6am with a huge smile on my face. I'll refrain from going into detail because well, it's none of your damn business :-P I nearly got through the night without seeing kirnan but alas at the last moment after it was over I caught a peek at him.....apparently he went up to jay earlier in the night and said hi but ran away as soon as jay told him he was waiting for me to get out of the loo.
oh well. Didn't effect my night the way I thought it would have.....(((((((((there was a bit in here with information that jay failed to tell me was sencitive. He's asked me to censor my own fucking blog.... and I did....I'm an idiot))))))).....hmmm interesting. Some people will never change. I wonder what the rest of his life will be like..... who knows for sure but I have a pretty good guess if he doesn't grow a set soon. If weird how Jay and I were surrounded by these crazies for such a long time and now they've all moved on and fucked up more peoples lives like him and Josh who I'm told has cut EVERYONE even remotely connected to me out of his life....even his best friends Nivek and Tenelle who he cut because apparently they have been feeding me information about him behind his back....talk about paranoid delusions....I gatta get off this topic...It's bringing me down.

Jay and I have been out more in the last 2 weeks then we ever have in our lives...it's amazing and to top it all off I just got a call from Alvin (some of you know who I'm talking about some don't) who wanted to book me for an "underwear boy" at Rock's in Albany.....Imagine that...Me! a paid underwear boy :-P that's just too funny but I did accept so I'm booked! lol The last time jay and I went to the underwear party at Rock's apparently I made an impression cause I'm still hearing about it.

Some Good, Some Bad

2009-06-02T03:02:00.004-04:00

I'll start with the good...This have been quickly inproving in my life. I feel great recently. I have lots energy, I'm eating better, I'm gaining weight which is obviously muscle because I'm slowly starting to see a nice difference in my body. I've been smoke free for a while and not even interested in cigerettes anymore, Jay and I have been a HELL of alot more social. hanging out with friends, parties, bars....Normal people stuff lol It's nice.

Now on to the bad....Tonight Cassie (my step grandmothers dog) passed away. I grew up with cassie and am sad to see his leave but glad he's no longer suffering. Earlier Jay and I went over to Mom's too see him. He was having regular seisures and had very labored breatheing. I made plans with mom tomorrow to go with her when she had him euthinized but I'm not surprized that he didn't make it that long. I did what I could with Reiki while I was there so I hope I helped lubricate his transition into the next life. For those of you who don't know this about me, My religion includes a practice that I call Animal Magick. For the majority of my life I knew that I had a very unique connection with animals.... It was nice to see cassie one last time before he moved on.

An Unexpected Turn of Events.

2009-05-14T02:15:00.003-04:00

There are very few times I'm grateful for my obsessive compulsive disorder. When applied to work it can be a great tool but in most other aspects of my life my OCD is a nightmare. Fortunately enough for me I've recently learned how to use it to my benefit outside of work. I've put myself on a regimen. I wake and get out of bed at the same time now(without the aid of energy drinks which I feel I've been abusing), I eat breakfast, go to the gym or jog, start work from noon till 8 or 10 depending how much energy I have then detach myself from work as best I can and relax till bedtime at 3am giving me more then enough sleep for the following day. I live and die now to the alarms on my iPhone. I have become a health robot :-p I feel great. I'm off my meds now, being more social, quiting smoking. life is good right now. if I stay on the track I'm on by the time we move in August I'm gonna be in the best shape mentally and physically of my life. The last few days have been difficult sleep wise but it's something my body will have to get used to again. Having been dealing with an anorexia issue for a while now I have an amazing base to start with. Unfortunately, the meds I was on made it so that I had absolutely no interest in food whatsoever. It was just no longer a thought in my head and I could go 3 days before I even realized that I hadn't eaten anything. I lost ALOT of weight in a very short period of time and I was never a big guy to start with but at my lowest (which was very recently) I weighed 117lbs dropping almost 2lbs a week at the worst. I was going to end up in the hospital very soon if I stayed on that path. I have no wish to die from malnourishment. I had to do something so my body and mind have reacted as they always do with the primal "survival mode" as I call it. It applies to many aspects of my life but this is the first time its kicked in because of a very real worry of bodily harm. Survival mode can last years if "fueled" The trick now, is to keep this obsessive compulsive behavior fueled. I've spent soo long fighting my OCDs it's a weird feeling to give in to them like this. There's no worry, no anxiety, no mental struggle and no questions...this is completely logical. OCD is not a creature of logic. I'm just on the first few strides but I feel good about this. I feel productive.

Shit day

2009-05-06T23:07:00.003-04:00

After a very shitty day of fighting with Jay of some really shallow shit I had the brilliant idea to message jon and make sure he was ok. I mentioned in the previous blog that I heard he wasn't doing so well. The rumers were obviously true. He still holds a firey hared for me, still blames me for everything, still completely a totally infallible. It's been a shit day all the way around so this was just the shit frosting on the shit cake of my day. The previous night was wonderfull. We spent the night with an amazing guy who I seem to have a connection with. I'll leave out the gritty details to protect the innocent but I had a great time with him. I learned recently that Josh has stuck yet again. He did the same thing to his best friend that he recently did to me. if anything tonight has solidified in my head the fact that PEOPLE DONT CHANGE. Some people will always live theirr life the same way they always have without so much as a thought of what could have been. Why do I get mixed up with the crasies? jon and josh both are bat shit crasy. its never been more obvious. I tried to talk to jon under a white flag of truce and he responded exactly as I predicted he would....never again.

Long Night....

2009-04-25T04:15:00.002-04:00

Tonight was a very long night. I'm completely drained emotionally and physically. I just got done with a really intense photo shoot and I'm crazy excited to see what comes of these shots. Tomorrow will be a very busy day but I think very gratifying. What I did tonight should produce something....Powerful.
I love this feeling. I shot for a good 2 hours and have ALOT of processing and tweaking but I'm really confident in what I created and will create with them.

I heard today from my mom that kirnan is doing very poorly as of late. She chatted with him via his web cam. When I first heard this I smiled inside... at his misery. I do have a very dark side in me but that quickly subsided to feelings of sorrow and hopes of a better life for him. He told Mom that he's "[miserable and it's all Fox's fault]" I no longer care that he blames me for everything. He and I both know I wasn't the only one at fault but regardless I felt so....sorry for him. He had a solid chance at a long and meaningful relationship but he did the only thing he knows how to do....Run. I hear tell that he's done this to a few people before. I really do want only the best for him. I sent him an email earlier telling him basically that I hope he gets better and I'm concerned about him because I really do still care for him. I just think he has alot of growing up to do....some life lessons to retain......oh well.

Things have been up and down recently. Thoughts of friends past and the chapters they hold in my book.....as deep as that book stays hidden, I know it's still there....I'm very good at putting that book away though. Years of practice shielding yourself from the outside makes for some very powerful and efficient preventative defencive maneuvers. I've been feeling my OCD a little more the past few days but I think it just might be the natural ebb and flow of my body.

It's Official.

2009-04-14T20:05:00.000-04:00

We're moving to Flordia

Yay!.....Go Me!

2009-04-11T16:36:00.004-04:00

I'm just sitting around the house wasteing time waiting for my newest client to come over at 6ish to purchase one of my art prints....Yay! another good sale. Some of the money's gonna go towards more ink and good papers but I havent decided what to do with the rest. I cant wait to get the new website up and running. Things are really starting to pick up and everyone seems to be really taken bymy work.

The Question......

2009-04-09T15:22:00.003-04:00

A questions been running through my head recently. I question that ultimately has no answer...The worse kind of question to get stuck in your head. It eats away at your brain and nags at you from a safe distance where no one can get it. The question is as follows: What if you were given the opportunity to remedy a mistake from the past? Knowing full well that it would change the course of your history as you know it and not necessarily for the better. But what if it would have been the best decision of your life?

Work Out Routine

2009-04-08T21:20:00.003-04:00

I've been working out pretty regularly recently and I took photos today to see the progress I'm making....I'm pretty pleased with the results

Vulpine Eye Photography

2009-04-07T19:14:00.004-04:00

Jason and I bought last night the domain and server access for my new website. I've been working on the design all day today but will need jays help tonight with Dreamweaver CS4. I tried last night but just couldn't for the life of me figure it out. It's a VERY confusing program but jay's been studying it all day today.
It's gonna take a while to get everything up and running but I'll post as soon as it's online. This is a big step in my photographic journey in life. I'm VERY excited about the possibilities.

I've fallen in love with the idea of moving to Florida. Even though it would be much better financially for us if jay got his PHD @ Suny I'd be lieing if I said I wouldn't be disappointed by Jay not going to Nova U. The area we're looking at is within 5 miles from the ocean and it would mean a whole other world of photographic opportunities for me. There are very few places on earth that you can see the sun rise on the east cost and then drive a few hours to the west coast and see the sun set in the same day. As of today Jay still hasn't heard the verdict. After jay gets his PHD we may be presented with the option of moving back to England. I miss England so much and it kills me everyday that we moved back for....him.

New toys coming soon

2009-04-04T16:43:00.004-04:00

SO I just submitted my taxes and I'll be getting some new toys with the refund. I'm gonna get a lens hood for my new 100mm Macro lens and this combination of lovely toys. It's a tactical sholder stock for DSLR cameras. This will definatly come in handy for hiking and shooting animals in the woods.

Interesting turn of events

2009-04-02T18:53:00.004-04:00

I'll start with what happened first...Kirnan is no more. he decided to give up on things before I had the chance to do so or so he says. He's a coward who runs from every situation and he's running again. Thats all I'm going to say about him. His name will not pass my lips again.

The second strange thing is that Jay and I may end up moving to Florida for school. Suny is having budget issues this year and may not be able to accept him. We'll know soon if thats the case but I'm torn. On one hand I definatly don't want to leave my friends and family here but on the other hand Florida would give ALOT more photographic opportunity and the climate is much more pleasent then it is here on a good day. I would love to live in Florida but my life is here. I would follow jay to Alaska if I had to though. As I said we'll know soon whether or not we're leaveing and if we are it'll probably be at the tail end of summer.....we'll see.

Updatedness

2009-03-26T15:20:00.003-04:00

Things have been on and off weird as of late. Things with jay, Kirnan and I are going well. I'm taking whatI can get at the moment but I definatly see a progress. I'm spending alot more time alone though so I have alot of time to get lost in my own head. Luckily, I've been keeping busy with some photography and something I've never delved into before. Face Mapping. I've mapped a few faces so far such as myself, Cal, Kirnan, Jay and william. it's pretty cool to manipulate other peoples faces in 3D.

.....Weirdness

2009-03-16T22:48:00.006-04:00

OK, lemme start with the....not so weird. Thanks to a sizable donation from my Mama and a little help from Jay I got myself a brand new professional tripod and a new multi purpose flash card for "The Beast" The new tripod is SOOOOO much better then what I was working with before. It's got a stainless steel ball head which gives me MUCH more control over angle and the lightweight aluminum alloy legs extend all the way down to about 6 inches from the floor so its gonna be GREAT for my macro work. The flash bounce card on top of the flash unit is a 80/20 bounce with several inserts which will give me a MUCH better control over light. The 80/20 bounce lets 80% of the flash bounce from the ceiling and 20% reflects straight out at the subject filling in the sometimes harsh shadows that can result from direct flash or bounced flash. Blah Blah Blah.

OK, so now on to the weird. out of the blue Kirnan sent me a text asking if I would mind him coming over and talking to me. Anyone who knows me knows how apprehensive I was when faced with this especially so soon after I had finally come to terms with things and started to look towards the future instead of dwelling on the "what ifs" of the past. so after a few texts back and forth to try and feel out what his intentions were I agreed to hold an audience with him. The night (last night) was separated into two parts. The first part was nothing but him shooting blame and venom at me which I had no interest in hearing. I was hoping for the best when he got here but expected exactly what had happened so I made it clear to him I didn't have any interest in what was happening and I asked him what reason he had to drive an hour to Schenectady just to make sure I knew his thoughts, feelings and justifications for what had happened. So he left....again. Jay and I talked a bit and he convinced me to ask Kirnan back in an attempt to try and talk more civilly. The energy when he came back the second time was much different then when he left. I'm still not 100% sure of what happened as I'm still trying to process and analyze this night but the gist of it is as follows: Kirnan ultimately seeks redemption and IS sorry for what happened between us. As am I. I'll be the first to admit that I'm NOT easy to deal with most times. I have very refined protection processes and I made it very clear to Kirnan that if he thinks he's strong enough to be what I need him to be he'll have to deal with much higher walls this time around. I refuse to be with someone who's not in it for the long run so to speak. He's got one hell of a wall to climb now and ALOT to prove to me. I don't know if he physically/ emotionally do this but if in three months things aren't obviously better he's going to move to Florida with his family. Nobody's even thinking at this point of Kirnan moving back in. I don't know if I want him back here. I don't even know if the opening myself up to this hurt again is worth it but there's a chance. A small possibility of hope. A little kid in the back of my head that still believe in the power of a mythical, magical love. A power that can over come anything and everything. Hell, my Altar is dedicated to the idea of perfect love and perfect trust. So, it seems as though this is round three for Kirnan and I. Jay's happy. Kirnans happy he's getting the opportunity and I'm just kinda numb right now. I don't even know how to act around him. He's suppose to come over tomorrow after work and hang out a bit but I don't know what to expect.

...And I Breathed a Sigh orf Relief...

2009-03-13T17:04:00.003-04:00

Last night it all came to a head with what happened between kirnan, Jay and I. He did exactly what I asked of him and I had the exact reaction I expected. I can now live my life. I feel a sence of closure and a finalization to things. Chances are I'll never see or hear from him again but I'm ok with that. Neither one of us were perfect in our relationship but Kirnan was forever blameless in every situation. I'm happy I don't have to "deal" with his mental problems as I'm sure he's glad he no longer has to "deal" with me and mine. I breathe a sigh of relief now knowing that I can move on and there really is nothing left to the man I once loved. Last night he sent what he claims to be a mass text message to his friends telling them that he'd be disappearing from this earth and never heard from again. Jay took this as a suicide note and called his parents house at 3am to see if he was doing anything he wasn't suppose to....I on the other hand knew it was a plea for attention. He lays claim to disappearing from all of his friends. according to him he'll be changing his phone number, deleting all of his online accounts and moving away with his family. Whether or not this will actually happen is up for debate. He may disappear from my life but he's a social whore. I don't believe it for a second. He's just being a little dramatic I think. Ultimately, it doesn't matter to me anymore. I felt the switch flip and today I'm quite happy and content....It's over.

The Word of the Day is Infallibilty....

2009-03-12T13:51:00.005-04:00

Last night jay did something incredibly sweet for me to help boost my mood. He surprised me with buying a 1TB hard drive for my computer. I'm so excited to have that much space. Jason's so sweet. He'd do anything to make me happy. Fortunately enough for me Jay is one person I never have to worry about. I KNOW we'll grow old together. Thank you hunny. I love you so much.

So, on to the word of the day.....Infallibility. Last night I was in so much pain that I had to write Jay a note asking him to talk to kirnan and ask kirnan to message me in some way and basically give me closure in one way or another. I ask that he tell me he hates me and never wants to see or hear from me again, I ask that he erase any and all doubt that the man I fell in love with is dead and gone. If he does this it'll flip a switch in my head and I'll be able to move on. I don't however expect him to. now this is where the infallibility in my plan takes place if he doesn't do this for me I'll know that he maliciously wants me to suffer and thus flip a switch in my head. I win either way. I give it 2 days before I flip that switch. I don't even care if he lies about it....just the words from him to my ears or eyes is enough to force my mind to take a U-turn.

There is another issue I wanna express here in my blog. I've recently come to the conclusion that I'm an anorexic. I have most of the classic signs and I've been dropping weight like crazy but I'm currently in talks with my therapist about this. I just wanted to get that out in the open. my blog is an open book to my life and I hold nothing back here...maybe somebody will read this and be able to connect with it. Maybe we'll be able to support each other. I weight less now then when I was 16years old 125Lbs, 56.8kg, 8.9 stone. To be honest, I've never felt better about my body but such is the nature of the beast.

Today.....

2009-03-12T02:51:00.003-04:00

Today was.....well just another day of dieing inside. I've been listening to this song over and over for hours and crying on and off. Jason keeps telling me it'll get better but I just cant see through this fog right now. I cry then I get pissed off at myself for crying over him. I question whether or not he's worth the tears. There are so many unanswered questions. Today I called his phone just to hear his voice for one last time. I can't keep going on like this. I ask Jason everyday if he's heard from kirnan and of course he does nearly everyday and all he seems to be doing is trying to justify his actions. It's becoming more and more obvious to me that there's nothing left of the man I fell in love with a year ago. He's been dead since I came home from England for him. I'm just so sad. so many unanswered questions. so much resentment on both parts.

Full Moon

2009-03-11T04:58:00.004-04:00

I'm hoping after tonight things will start getting easier. The waining of the moon helps with pushing things away from ones self. I'm in alot of pain right now but I intend to change that soon. I see and realize the inevitability before me now. No more childish hope. No more wishes upon stars that don't care. Only I have the ability to change this and I certainly intend to do so. I've done alot of thinking today and I've come to some conclusions. Firstly, I miss Kirnan very much. Secondly, Kirnan was a horrible boyfriend. Sure there were good parts but ultimately he hasn't a clue what being in a relationship means. Kirnan blames me for all of this and will forever be infallible in his head. He so much as send me a text message blaming me for letting him go the night he left. I had no say in the matter whatsoever but it makes him feel better to think that. Then that's fine by me. He can justify it anyway he wants. He made a mistake. A rash decision in the heat of an argument and the pit of a depression but kirnan's too proud to express remorse or seek redemption. That's just not him. He physically can't sacrifice himself for the sake if another. Not many people can. The biggest difference between him and I is simply this. His default is to run where as mine is to fight. I believe "love" is worth fighting for. I didn't want this. I wanted him to stay and fight for us but ultimately he didn't care enough or love us enough to do that. There was a time I'd lay my life down for him if only he had asked. The sad part is he'll never have a clue what that means. Another sleepless night wishing he was here and cursing his name in the same breath. Hope against the inevitable is wasted energy. I know that but right now the little idoit in my head tells me to hang on for one more day or one more week. Pointless. I'm wasting my energy right now. He'll never read this and even if he did he'd never take action. I realize people don't change. I thought we were getting somewhere but I was very wrong. Yet another illusion set before my eyes.

"Nothing dazzles me.
I am in his dreams.
Nothing is shocking.
Transparent human being.

-sent from my iPhone

Today......

2009-03-09T23:13:00.006-04:00

Today would have been Kirnan's and My one year anniversary. It's sad but he made this decision. NOT me. I had a long therapy session today and surprise surprise, guess what the topic was. Unfortunately my therapist has put me in a retrospective state of mind. I'm sad today but I'm surrounded by friends and family. I'm moving forward at an alarming rate. Today I wasn't numb or angry as I have been the last few days...I'm just sad. Sad for kirnan. Sad for Josh. Sad for the way things ended up happening in the past 2 weeks. Fortunately enough I've been in this situation before...I know how to handle it. It may not be right or justified but it'll keep me safe. I told my therapist today that it's gonna be a while before I can let go fully and not HATE them. I don't hate them I'm just sad for them but as it's been said many times before "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" I have no doubt that this will ultimately make me a stronger person but at the same time it will also make me a more 'protected' person. I see the hopeless romantic in me as a weakness. Kirnan proved that. It'll be a long time (if ever) before I come to a realization that he loved me in the first place. I can't allow myself to believe that right now. How could someone LOVE another person and hurt them so violently and maliciously. When Kirnan Left he had destroyed the apartment. He just wanted to be as far away from me as quickly as he possibly could. That's not love in my eyes. That's the farthest thing from it. Not necessarily hate but definitely not love. I don't hate them but I can't stop myself from basking in the misery I hope he/ they feel. The desire for redemption. The lonley nights where all he thinks of is me. I envision him crying all alone with nobody to turn to but the realist in me knows that none of this is happening. The reality of the matter is that chances are Kirnan has already found a bed to warm and josh has found someone else to use till comes the day he no longer has need of them. I know that Kirnan doesn't desire redemption as he feels completely justified in what he said and did but despite all these conflicting thoughts. I still hold hope knowing full well that it will never come. This is the weakness within me but with everyday that passes I fight it harder and harder till one day, some far away future (or maybe not so far away), I erase it from my Book of Life. I rip out the chapter that caused me so much pain. It's been shown that if you tell yourself a lie enough, repeat it as a mantra daily, there comes a day where that lie no longer holds to its boundaries as a lie. It becomes a false truth. Sometimes even a false truth can do more positive then negative...That day will come. Even though I know he'll never read this (he didn't care enough in the relationship to read my blog why start now) and even though I know my puppy has been put down, Today I stop to think about and acknowledge what could have been and wonder what our one year anniversary would have been like.

Alot has happened.....

2009-03-09T00:25:00.008-04:00

So, Alot has been going on in the past few days. I'll start with the positive. The gallery opening went extremely well. Much better then I had ever expected. At one point in the night there were so many people in the gallery that it was difficult to walk around. I sold a few pieces and bought myself a brand new Kata quick draw camera bagIt's a very expensive and sought after bad. I can't believe I'm about to say this because I'm not this gay but this bag is the photographic equivalent of a Guchi or Prada bag.There are things I've seen as levels of accomplishment in my photography the first level was getting a nice Single Lens Reflex (SLR). DONE. The second level was The gallery opening. DONE The third level was getting a Kata Bag. DONE. The next step is getting an EOS AF "L" lens. These lenses go anywhere from a grand to 10 thousand dollars. They are the best lenses on the market. You know your looking at an "L" lens from Canon when you see those guys at sporting events and Nat Geo articles with those bright white lenses.

Now, on with the rest of whats been going on. some very bad shit has transpired in the past few days. The first thing that happened is Josh went bat shit crazy. I still have no idea what actually happened but one day things are perfectly fine and the next thing I know he's not talking to me. Not coming home at night and about a week and a half ago he randomly comes home after days of being missing. He ignores me for a while then asks me if he can talk to me privately (I was hanging out with Cal @ the moment). We went into my bedroom where he unfolded a type written letter that he read very coldly to me. The gist of it was that he blames me for all of his emotional/ mental issues, He's tired of me not treating him the way he wants me to and he is still in love with me and tired of me treating my boyfriends better then him. He moved out a day later and as far as I know he's dropped off the face of the earth. He refuses to associate with me or anyone that I associate with. This coming right out of the blue was a huge kick in the nuts for me. For someone who I considered a brother to burn this bridge AGAIN. Yes, AGAIN. years ago Josh went bat shit crazy and burned the bridge between us FOR THE EXACT SAME REASON! We didn't talk for years after that when all of a sudden out off the blue I get an e-mail from him explaining that he's been clean and sober for 6 months and attending NA. He apologized for everything thing he's done to me and like an idiot I believed him. An animal will always be an animal. Josh will never change unfortunately. he's the same person he was years ago....just less drugs (as far as I know) I wouldn't be a bit surprised though. as far as I'm concerned Josh no longer exists.

So that was this first crazy, insane thing that's happened to me the second transpired just 2 days ago. The night of my gallery opening. Now, The back story is important so bare with me (if your still reading) a day before his Birthday Kirnan picked a fight with his mom regarding a past birthday. That started a vicious downward spiral of negativity. The day of his birthday his mother came into his work where he continued to fight with her. He came home and as soon as he stepped through the door I was ALL ABOUT HIM. I had $45 dollars to my name at the time but I asked if he wanted to go out and get some new jeans or a new shirt...whatever he wanted. all the money I had was his if he wanted it. He didn't want to leave the house. So he starts bitching to me about his day and telling me that his back hurt so I suggested a nice back rub. I rubbed his back for about an hour and made him know that this was HIS day and anything he wanted was his for the taking. He spend the day pissy and depressed. I was understanding, I've had shitty birthdays before. I know what it's like so he goes to bed at about 8pm. He wants nothing to do with anything. Just wants the day to be over. OK, I can understand that, I tried. The following day was my gallery opening. He spend the majority of the day pissy and depressed. He dragged me down the whole day. I just wanted him to be happy. The gallery it self went well but after it was over he continued on his downward pissy spiral. I tried to talk to him with no success. He just spat venom at me and told me I didn't do enough for his birthday....Apparently I should have cleaned the house spotless before he got home. I ruined his birthday. We fight some more then I had enough. I walked out of the room and slammed the door. I was livid that he had kicked me in the nuts in such a way. so after a night of bitching to Jay about the whole ordeal I sent him a text message saying "I hope you have enough sense to apologize for what you did to me tonight". The following day Turtle and I (Turtle had flown in from New Orleans, LA to attend my show) when for a walk to get something to eat then to the photography store for a look around...I walked out with a wireless remote for "The Beast" and a Kata bag. we get back to the apartment and Kirnan is there with 80% of his shit packed up. Shortly after that his bigot, abusive father and some other guys come in to pack all his shit into their cars. He takes no blame for anything...never has, never will and as far as I'm concerned he no longer exists. He's back living with his father who BTW The first time I "met" him came up to me, looked at me and said "WOW! you look as stupid as Jon (Kirnan)" a great thing to say about your own son. The mans a racist bigot who hates his faggot son. He made his bed and now he'll sleep in it. Theres only one possible way you could redeem himself now and theres no way in hell he could physically do it. He doesn't have the emotional range. I give up. I'm sure he will spend the rest of his life running away from his problems. So it's just jay and I now. perfectly fine by me. Although it wont be that way for too long. My brother William is moving in within the month a picture's worth a thousand words.....let this one soak in for a bit.

Today's the Big Day!!!

2009-03-06T08:16:00.003-05:00

I can't believe it's here already. I slept very little last night and have soo much to post after tonight. I've been holding my tongue on some issues that need to be out in the light but wish me luck on my opening.

My Quarter Century Birthday

2009-02-24T03:26:00.003-05:00

The 21st was my 25th year on this earth. The boys threw me a surprise party which I ended up ruining the surprise aspect the day before (Sorry). It was an awesome day. Probably the best birthday I've ever had. I had most of the people I love at the party I got a generous donation to the ASPCA from josh, a nice bottle of sake from Mama, some beautiful candle accessories from Nivek and the 3 of my boys chipped in to get me the 100mm Macro lens I've been swooning over for years now. Unfortunately I know I was getting it. I have a unique ability to read people's expressions and mannerisms and with this analytical ability I deduced via some strategically placed comments to jay and my Mom that I was to expect the lens....Yeah, I know, it's horrible but it's not like I can shut my mind off. I just see things others don't. I know people too well. Josh took me out for a car ride while everyone set up the party. There were balloons and streamers everywhere. it was amazing. I felt so loved. This new lens opens up an entirely new world to me. Take a look for yourself. This is Jay's eye. Something I've seen for years but never in this way before.

New Business Cards

2009-02-15T14:33:00.002-05:00

I wasn't 100% comfortable with putting my personal phone number out on the Internet so I pixilated it out. If you'd like for business purposes ONLY lemme know and I'll give it to you.

Offical Press Release

2009-02-11T18:34:00.000-05:00

IT'S OFFICIAL!!!!!!

2009-02-09T10:53:00.004-05:00

You are all cordially invited to my first ever public photographic Art Show Case

When:
Friday, March 06, 2009 From 5pm-9pm

Where:
The LGBT Center
332 Hudson Ave,
Albany
12210

Please make time to be there and support me. There will be wine and desserts. All of the art will be on sale and all proceed made will go directly to the "Fox Lancaster Starving Artist for New Equiptment Fund" :-p

btw...my birthday's on the 21st...it would be a great birthday gift ;-)

Good Things

2009-02-09T02:08:00.006-05:00

Soo much has been going on recently. Today I found out that I may be show casing my art at a local gallery next month. Things are going pretty well recently, I'm exercising everyday, stretching for flexibility and meditating. The exercising is doing wonders for my self esteem (Narcissism :-p) and the stretching and meditating are really helping me reconnect with my inner animal. I hope to become alot more flexible and lower my center of gravity. I've recently gotten my tabi boots back from mikey when we hung out last week. If you don't know what tabi boots are they're boots with a split toe design that focuses your balance on the ball of you feet. They spread your toes out so that you have better control of the flow of balance on your feet. Much the same way an animals paw does. For the completely uneducated to martial arts....They're boots used in Ninjitsu and yes they look like ninja turtle feet. I've always been fascinated with Ninjitsu. The balance, the magick, the mysticism surrounding it.
I've been photo processing and photographing like a mad man recently. I'm soo excited about this show casing if it happens. Good things are on their way. I can feel it. This is only the beginning.
I'll end this with a photo I took dedicated to my Mama:

A Better Day

2009-02-04T17:10:00.004-05:00

Things have been better since the last post. I spent a few hours today doing some photographing and I'm looking at about 60 hours of photo processing because of it :-/ I was explaining what I do to Kirnan last night and I told him that I absolutely love and am incredibly passionate about photography but I hate with a deep Passion photo processing which is unfortunately something that has to be done but I do it gladly for the outcome. He was under the impression that I do this for recreation which is definitely NOT the case. This is HARD work and very stressful. Taking photos takes depending on the subject a few minutes to a few hours but the processing takes days to weeks.
I recently got my hands on the master adobe CS4 suite. I ABSOLUTELY love Photoshop CS4. At some point I'll install some of the other programs it came with but that will have to wait till after I get a much larger hard drive. I have less then 30 gigs left. As of the moment all I installed was Photoshop CS4 and Bridge CS4 but there are at least 6-8 more programs in the master suite. At some point I have to learn how to use Dreamweaver CS4 because I have to start working on a website that contains my portfolio. it's gonna be difficult because I have to make it secure enough so that I can showcase my work without the worry of theft which will be difficult to say the least but I'm sure I'll get it down pat. I played around with Dreamweaver CS3 at one point and my head almost exploded. It's incredibly in depth and confusing.
So I have my work cut out for me in the next few weeks Check out my DeviantArt.com profile every now and then to see what I'm working on. You can get to it via this blog on the right hand side towards the bottom.

Shitty Few Days

2009-02-02T21:09:00.005-05:00

The last few days have been nothing short of shitty. This place is a cesspool of negativity which seems to be border lining on disdain. I feel like a stranger in my own home. Life just sucks right now. I'm trying to stay away from one of the boys as much as I can because I tired of being treated like shit and feeling like shit because of it. I'm tired of being treated like this. I'm tired of feeling "less then" from someone I love. The shittiest thing is he hasn't a clue what he's doing or what it's doing to me even though it's been in his face for a while now. Some people just can't see what others consider obvious. My faith is waining....fast. I feel inevitability bearing down on me. I've been trying to meditate more partly due to the fact that I need a little more clarity in my life and partly due to the excuse it gives me in being alone...Not alone. Outside the sphere of negativity. Along with working out constantly I've also been really focusing on stretching. I miss being as fit as I used to be when I was younger plus there's the added benefit of being feeling and looking sexier. I need then. I need to feel desired and attractive and it's certainly not happening as of late. It's now the 2nd of February and my birthday is creeping up on me fast. 25 is going to be a tough age for me. A quarter of a century and what makes it worse is that I would be surprised if anyone even remembered or did anything special for me. Maybe that's just my insecurities talking but as it stands now Jay is already busy the day of my birthday at no fault of his own of course...Jay would never do that to me. He has to go to Boston for 2 days to interview for College...Just so happens to fall right on my birthday but such is life i guess. I don't hold anything against him for it....it just sucks not that I was expecting anything special anyway. I'll probably just end up staying home just like every other day and fill it with 12 hours of photo processing.

Something New

2009-01-28T15:30:00.009-05:00

Yesterday I had a very in depth photo shoot (291 RAW shots in total) with a good friend of mine named Nivek. I had alot of fun doing it and they came out phenomenal. Nivek takes direction very well. He has alot of the same demons that I deal with when it comes to self apperience so it was great to show him what he really looks like through my eyes. He seemed very happy and surprized by them so thats always a plus.
I decided last night during the walk/Jog Josh and I go on nightly that I wanted to try something different. Something I've never done before. I shaved my head bald. I figured that if it looked like shit it wouldnt last long anyway and due to winter nobody would question why I'm wearing a hat... Not that I don't always have a hat on anyway. Kirnan bared no holds in making me know his disapproval. I didn't do this for anyones approval anyway. ....oh well. I know Jay doesn't neccisarily like it but did say it may grow on him. Personally, I don't like it nor do I dislike it. I just wanted a new feeling. a new experience. it's nice and weird and different so it's a good thing.

Update

2009-01-23T17:26:00.001-05:00

I decided to delete my other Blog. even though I have copyright info on it blogger lets you see full size images which is way to easy to steal....oh well I'll have to search else where

New Blog!

2009-01-21T12:28:00.001-05:00

I set up a new blog spacific for my photography

You cn get to it from here or just
http://fox-photography.blogspot.com/

Please visit and comment

What I'm Ment To Do......

2009-01-20T00:02:00.005-05:00

Today's a little bit better. After the panic attack I had last night Kirnan came to talk to me. We know what we have to do to make this work the problem is that him and I expect the same thing from each other (more or less). We both wait for the other to make the move. It just ends up in a cyclical shit storm of negativity but we talked things out and although I can't speak for tomorrow, today was a much better day.

I had a photo shoot with a good friend and client last night as well. At the end of the session I had 197 RAW files. They came out great. I'm very proud of them. This just feels right. I feel like this is what I'm suppose to do with my life. I'm meant to capture people and things in time and space to share them with the world. I'm meant to be inspired by fetishes, fantasies or events and mold them into fanciful works of art. I was explaining to Kirnan last night how I come up with some of my pieces. The best way I could describe it is as reverse engineering. I see an image in my head of the final outcome my job is to reverse engineer it into the steps taken to produce it. I breath a sigh of relief when I see the image match the vision I have in my head. It's happening more and more. I can feel my ability to create grow every time I pick up my camera (affectionately know as: The Beast)

A Life Slowly Dieing

2009-01-18T16:26:00.003-05:00

This is depressing...all three of us are sitting at our respective computers or laptops. Not a word uttered between us. All doing our own thing. Has it really gotten this bad?. I realize now that I'm in full blown protection mode. I'm numb and right now I couldnt care less.

A Continuation of the Day Before and the Day Before and......

2009-01-18T00:33:00.003-05:00

Today was an introspective day. I thought alot about the desire I stated in the previous blog. The over whelming need to think more about myself then others. I have soo much negativity in my life I need to stop caring and worrying about shit I can't control. I can no longer waste my precious energy on the inevitable and unwavering. I need to take back my life from the blackness that's consumed it. it's taken many forms and faces over the years and I don't know if I can defeat this monster but I CAN fight it and maybe someday I'll learn to control it.

I've been feeling very ugly and unattractive as of late....nothing new there but this time I'm doing something about it both mentally and physically. It'll take some work but I have to get to my "ideal" weight and I need to KNOW that I'm attractive again. Josh and I work out nearly everyday. We go for walks most nights which are spent bitching about life and such. it's therapeutic. Josh is the only person in my life that I can completely open up to. He understands me and most time makes me feel better. Unfortunately most of what we talk about can't be said outside of our lil circle but I guess that's what makes a best friend just that.

I've lost 10 lbs since coming home from England YAY!

I've been more social as of late. I've met a few new people online, went out to hang out with friends tonight. I'm gonna try to be more social both physically and online. Most nights I sit here and just stew about one thing or another...blaming certain people for making me feel like this. I'm going to change that. I can't expect others to change when they obviously have no desire to but unfortunately that means I'm back into "protection mode" more or less. It's ok though. I'm comfortable here. It's safe.

Random Depressive Rambling

2009-01-16T21:05:00.004-05:00

Things have been up and down recently. I'm going through some pretty intense emotions in the last few days some of which I can outlet into my photography but most of the time I'm completely alone inside my head. I've been feeling very emotional as of late but I've gotten very good at bottling things up. most of the shit in my head would probably upset some people and some things just aren't worth bringing up. I guess there are just things I'll have to learn to deal with or let them destroy certain relationships. Those are the only 2 options I have. I can't expect everyone around me to hold themselves to the same standard of morality that I have and I can't expect anyone to be smart enough to know the difference between a "safe" situation and a potentially hazardous one. There are very few people in my life that truely know the difference between right and wrong...no, maybe thats not fair to say....maybe just a small handful. anyway. I've been thinking recently though.....why do I hold my morality so high?....Am I not just like everyone else? do I not have the same primal instincts that they do? I've spent so much time studying people I know exactly why they do what they do and deep down I want that. I want to be selfish, self centered and without a single thought of the other person or persons. why not me? why not take back my god given right to be an asshole. The world surely hasn't shown me a reason to combat these feelings. Maybe this is something to work on, Maybe I'll have to learn to step down from my high horse and crawl through the mud like the rest of these cattle.

Birthday Wishes

2009-01-04T17:33:00.002-05:00

Originally I asked the boys if they'd donate to the ASPCA for my birthday but I think I've changed my mind. As much as an ASPCA donation would make me happy I am a starving artist. Having said that I'd like to amend my birthday wishes to include rather a donation towards the purchase of a new Canon 100mm Macro lens for my camera. I'm starting to reach a point where I'm limited in what I can do with my current lens and camera and have been pineing over this lens for a LONG time now. I know it's probably a pipe dream and probably WAY to much to ask for but I would absolutly love this lens......oh well, a boy can wish can't he?

In case anyone who reads this shit (all 2 of you) would like to donate to a starving artist for new equiptment lemme know. My birthday is february 21st. I'm turning the big 2-5. And in case anyone has a load of cash and have no idea what to do with it, This is the lens.

http://www.amazon.com/Canon-EF-100mm-USM-Cameras/dp/B00004XOM3/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=photo&qid=1231108385&sr=1-1

Yeah, I know, good luck me.

New Hair...or lack there of.

2009-01-04T16:30:00.001-05:00

I shaved my head REAL short recently. I needed something new. It's weird to not have much hair at all. luckily I think I have a decently shaped head.

The Origins of Magick

2009-01-03T13:27:00.003-05:00

I've been very busy trying new things with photography and light painting. I did this last night. it took my breath away. Last night was dedicated to pagan art And tell me this isn't cool.

Seizures, New Years and the Aftermath That Took the Form of Art

2009-01-02T14:40:00.007-05:00

New Years was alright up till a certain point in the night. I'd rather not say who but around 1am somebody had a seizure and we were up with him till 3-4am. I've seen it a hundred times in Zoie. It's not that different in a human actually. It was scary but I've delt with it before. Physically the same exact thing happens in a human that happens in Zoie (a dog) when she had seizures. He didn't fully understand what happens during a seizure. The best way I could explain to him was that it was essentially an electrical storm in his brain neurons firing without purpose randomly and violently. I explained that like an electric shock, no matter how small the more it occurs the more likely it is to burn the receptor resulting in a variety of issues ranging from loss of vision, taste, motor skills, hearing and even brain damage. We need to get him to a doctor soon and on a phenobarbital regiment.
Inspiration can sometimes come from weird places. The day after I got an image in my head of a photograph I needed to take so last night Kirnan and I worked on "The Seizure". I wanted to give the feeling of an electrical storm in the brain. I don't know if I accomplished that but I'll let you be the judge.

Doing Better and Very Busy

2008-12-31T12:46:00.004-05:00

The last post was a little....harsh. I was just in a bad way that day but I finally got my outlet and am doing much better today.
I've been working my ass off trying to get my portfolio together. I have my digital copy ready but now I have to work on the physical portfolio. That's gonna cost a pretty penny. Anyone who knows me knows I wont settle for anything but the best. Unfortunately, I have very expensive tastes. I finally got around to setting up my photo printer and to my amazement it still works after months of not taking care of it. I printed a few test shots out and everything is fine. It even saved my color profile when I moved to England. I thought I had deleted it but apparently not.
Kirnan suggested that I broaden my scope as far as models for nude or suggestive shots which is what I love. The vulnerability of the human body fascinates me. I need some females but the problem is I don't know any that would be willing to let me a) let me shoot them nude b) be comfortable with their own nudity enough to be showcased and c) They have to be "attractive" enough to be what I'm looking for. I put attractive in quotations because big can be beautiful too. I need someone who is photogenic enough to make a statement with their body. If anyone knows someone locally who would be willing to be a model (not necessarily nude) for a local artist let me know.

My old friends Reyn sent me an email yesterday accepting my off to formally photograph him and his partner of 17 years Jonathan and their new baby. I can wait for that. Reyn also asked if I would be willing to take some shots for an opposed election of some sort that he's running in. I'd LOVE to do this. If Reyn was elected in some tiny part due to my photos.....I would be ecstatic.

Josh and his friend Tenelle came over last night and Tenelle came up to me and the first words out of her mouth was "Your my photographer idol" it sent shivers down my spine to hear that. To be held so highly by another photographer meant so much to me. It really gave me a boost to my confidence and made my day.

Fuck Everyone

2008-12-28T19:10:00.003-05:00

Today was a shitty day. I'm depressed and pissy. I'm being forced to go into the city CRAZY early tomorrow morning against my will for god knows what reason. Things are just shit right now. I've been trying to put on a happy face for everyone else but my depression and anger is becoming more powerfull then I am. I feel it....like a drip of water slowly filling up my mind and body. everyone around me just seems to be making it worse whether they know it or not. if things don't change soon this will only get worse.

Craig, Photography and old ideas made anew

2008-12-27T14:13:00.007-05:00

After 7 hours there and back Craig is finally here. He's been here for a few days. He seems to be really enjoying himself and we love having him here. Last night we spend an hour or so doing some very interesting photography that turned out very well. I wont submit them here yet till I refine and process them through CS3. I ended up having a decent enough time at jays family's for xmas....for a little while. I ended up drinking WAY too much and not taking into effect how my medications would react with alcohol. I was VERY ill for a few hours.....Wasn't fun.

I'm hoping to convince Craig to allow me to take some nice photos of him for his profiles and myspace.

People have finally convinced me that I should be doing something with my photography. I'm gonna be showing them at Kirnan's work once I get a few of them printed out and placed in nice frames. Who knows maybe somebody might respond to them. I gatta take a leap if I'm gonna find out. I'm WAY too critical of my work and most time haven't a clue why anyone likes them but the people in my life have really been responding positively to them so maybe I should give it a try. If I could make enough money to at the least buy myself a new lens and maybe a nice tripod I'll be happy.

Yule Celebrations and Old Friends

2008-12-23T12:51:00.005-05:00

For the first time in my life we celebrated Yule this year. I've been Pagan for years now and have never celebrated the Sabbats for some reason. I'm trying to grow in my beliefs and practices and this year Yule was the first big step in that direction. I made a traditional Yule Log that turned out VERY well regardless of the fact that that we had less then ideal materials to work with. We made a huge Yule dinner and had a few people over including my Mom. For the first time in a VERY long time I had an enjoyable holiday. there was one hitch though. Everyone attending with the exception of Mom got tickets for being parked on the street. Apparently we were in a state of emergency and our street is a snow route so everyone got tickets :-( but The night was wonderful. Everyone I love that could be there was. We're gonna try to celebrate the sabbats more regularly.

Some of my oldest friends stopped by last night with their new baby. Reyn and Jonathan have been together for 17 years and some of the nicest, most sincere couple I've ever met. They give me hope for the future of this world, Hope for the future of the gay population and our rights. I love them soo much.

Words of Wisdom From an Unlikely Source

2008-12-18T19:11:00.004-05:00

Last week I had a break through in therapy. The session consisted mainly of the one person I hold as the source of all my hate and anger, Trevor. Although therapy started me thinking about things it was an unlikely source that really cemented things in my head. Kirnan and I are watching a new show called Moon Light and at the very end of the 3rd episode the eldest vampire said something that just floored me. The following was so....valid and powerful:

"Two Buddhist monks were walking down a path together.
The first monk sees an elderly woman trying to cross a stream
he walks up to her, scoops her up and carries her across to the other side
the monks continue down their path for a mile or so when the second monk, obviously spitting mad turns to the first monk and says "You violated our code by carrying that woman across that stream. The first monk replies: "that may be so but you've been carrying her ever since".

If you understand this you can see how valid this is to me. I no longer harbor any hate for this man. I've been carrying him far to long. I will always have pity for him but I no longer hate him. I'm glad to be able to say that now. I never thought I would release him from the label I gave him: "The source of all evil" I feel sorry for him but I'm finally free of the hate I've carried for him.

Starting to feel better

2008-12-17T21:38:00.004-05:00

I think the antibiotics are starting to work. up till today I was sporting a very nasty temperature that fluctuate from 100.00 to 103.6 at one point. I feel fairly well at the moment. It's still hard to swallow and I'm no where near comfortable but I'm getting better. This is the 3rd time I've gotten strep throat in the past year which means at some point these bastards need to come out and surgery scares the shit out of me. My luck is that I'd be the one in a million that goes very wrong. I told josh today that he should pay no mind to me if I start giving my shit away before surgery lol. To which he replied "no, it's OK...I'll take it :-p "
On a related note. The three of us have all talked it over and unanimously came to the conclusion that Josh should move in so after Xmas he'll have his own room right here. I'm really excited to have one of my best friends living with me. Josh and I have alot in common and we both have the ability to bring the best out in each other so I see this as a very good thing.

Sick as a dog again....

2008-12-15T00:32:00.002-05:00

Well the powers back. Came on this morning but half way into my day I started coming down with a fever and it quickly climbed to 102.2. I'm really out of it and may be going to the ER tomorrow.

Powerless

2008-12-13T13:06:00.001-05:00

We're still without power or heat and the temperature is slowly
dropping. We went out to get candles and nonperishables. No idea when
it'll be turned back on. The red cross has apperently set up a few
emergency shelters in the area and last night I saw half a tree
stricking out of some guys windshield.

Sent from my iPhone

Power outage

2008-12-12T18:18:00.001-05:00

Well due to an ice storm
It seems we'll be without power for a few days. I'll post again when I
can.

Sent from my iPhone

GTA IV

2008-12-09T15:36:00.003-05:00

I've recently got my hands on the newest addition to the Grand Theft Auto series and I have a few things I need to say about it. Firstly, Rockstar dropped the ball BIG time when they signed up with Microsoft LIVE. GTA IV is a great game. possibly one of the best games of the year but Rockstar and Microsoft has made registering the game, playing the game, saving the game and loading the game an absolute nightmare. The game was rushed out WAY in advance and as a result its incredibly buggy. Most PC user cant even load or play it due to some MASSIVE graphical issues which I encountered till I figured out a way around it. Theres a so called patch coming out soon that should fix most of the issues (less the obviously Rockstar/ Microsoft bedtime stories). Should a game be released in time for the holidays even though it's technically not done yet? of course not! what where you thinking RockStar? How many PC users have already given up on it and demanded a refund? was it worth it?

OK, now that my rant is over with. GTA IV is easily one of the best games of the year. The graphics are phenomenal on my system and the storyline following Nico Bellic is very well written. It's a VERY mature game. LOTS of sex, Drug references, violence (obviously). I LOVE this game! I'd suggest everyone who hasn't already go out and get it but its taking a very big gamble if your a PC user. Due to copyright laws if you purchase a game, try it out and find it doesn't work You can not return it....pending special circumstances of course. LIKE A SEVER FUCK UP LIKE THIS! The game distributor: STEAM has already refunded MANY of its DTD (Direct to Drive) sales.

The Death of Common Sense

2008-12-06T00:32:00.001-05:00

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

He declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home without the burglar suing you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust, by his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers: I Know My Rights; I Want It Now; Someone Else Is To Blame; and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

New Laptop

2008-12-03T15:19:00.003-05:00

Jay finally got his new computer in the mail. It's impressive! A brand new top of the line XPS desktop. I mentioned in an earlier post that he was giveing me his old laptop so I've been busy setting that up unfortunatly Vista doesnt act right on here so I'm stuck with XP Pro. I HATE XP but it seems to be running better now (after 2 reformats) It's really nice having a laptop again. It's huge though a 17 inch dell XPS that weighs a metric ton but its nice. It's got a decent graphics card in it aswell but I'm shocked at how HOT this thing gets. it out puts enough heat to fry an egg. There's not too much else going on since last post. Therapy is going well. I really like my therapist which I think is important in being able to get my issues out in the open.

Game reviews, Therapy, Art and Lost friends newly found

2008-11-28T16:20:00.011-05:00

Well, it seem that I haven't update in a while. Alot's been going on and yet nothing at all if that makes any sense. I've been keeping busy with games. I've completed 3 of some of the newer games on the market. Far Cry 2, Spore and just beat Tomb Raider: Underworld today. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a BIG gamer. I love to get lost in a very well written story line of a heart stopping action game and of the 3 games I've played recently I'd definitely have to give Far Cry 2 10/10. I couldn't pull myself away from my computer for days on end. That, coupled with some amazing next gen graphics (see photo in earlier post) makes this game one of my easy top tens. Tomb Raider: Underworld was a bit weird. I hadn't played a Tomb Raider game for quite some time so I was a little lost as far as the story line but the graphics were quite nice but there were 2 things about this game that really earked me. 1) HORRIBLE camera angles and 2) less then intuitive controls. Tomb Raider games have always been difficult but to complete some puzzles in this one is seems you'd have to borderline precognition. Lara is hotter then ever before (I've always had a thing for Lara Croft). Spore.... Ahh Spore, after years of hype and pushed back release dates and more hype I expected MUCH more from you. Spore was cute to begin with but quickly got annoying and repetitive. I find that if a games release date gets pushed back for, oh, say a year or two and the company's public relations team become a little...we'll just say a little over zealous. They create a media monster of epic proportions and that, inevitably leads to a game falling straight on its face. Sorry EA. this one was a swing and a miss.....BIG time.

I may have mentioned in an earlier post that I started seeing a therapist once a week to help me deal with some of my issues and I'm happy to report that this does seem to be helping....along with a cocktail of new drugs I'm on. It's nice to talk to a completely unbiased person who actually has pointient and valid advice to give. Josh and I got into a few deep conversations recently that produced a powerful, passionate and tangible outlet in the form of a piece of art I made with him. I am very proud of this piece.

The day before yesterday I reconnected with and old friend Nick Dariano. I've known Nick forever but we kinda of lost touch with each other a while ago. I was really nice to see him and his partner Pat again. I'm hoping that we stay connected this time because I truly believe that Nick and I have known each other in another life. We're kindred spirits as he puts it.

Thanksgiving was very nice. It was the first and only time I celebrated a holiday at home with jay, Kirnan and Josh. There were a few other people I wish had joined us but all in all it was one of the best days I've had in a very long time.

So I guess that's it for now. I don't update as ofton as I'd like to but unfortunately my writing Muse seems to be on vacation as of late.

This is the future

2008-11-24T02:39:00.000-05:00

g-speak overview 1828121108 from john underkoffler on Vimeo.

The Highwayman

2008-11-13T14:42:00.000-05:00

By Alfred Noyes

Part One
I
The wind was a torrent of darkness among the gusty trees,
The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,
The road was a ribbon of moonlight, over the purple moor,
And the highwayman came riding-
Riding-riding-
The highwayman came riding, up to the old inn-door.

II
He'd a French cocked-hat on his forehead, a bunch of lace at his chin,
A coat of the claret velvet, and breeches of brown doe-skin;
They fitted with never a wrinkle: his boots were up to the thigh!
And he rode with a jewelled twinkle,
His pistol butts a-twinkle,
His rapier hilt a-twinkle, under the jewelled sky.

III
Over the cobbles he clattered and clashed in the dark inn-yard,
And he tapped with his whip on the shutters, but all was locked and barred;
He whistled a tune to the window, and who should be waiting there
But the landlord's black-eyed daughter,
Bess, the landlord's daughter,
Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair.

IV
And dark in the old inn-yard a stable-wicket creaked
Where Tim the ostler listened; his face was white and peaked;
His eyes were hollows of madness, his hair like mouldy hay,
But he loved the landlord's daughter,
The landlord's red-lipped daughter,
Dumb as a dog he listened, and he heard the robber say-

V
"One kiss, my bonny sweetheart, I'm after a prize to-night,
But I shall be back with the yellow gold before the morning light;
Yet, if they press me sharply, and harry me through the day,
Then look for me by moonlight,
Watch for me by moonlight,
I'll come to thee by moonlight, though hell should bar the way."

VI
He rose upright in the stirrups; he scarce could reach her hand,
But she loosened her hair i' the casement! His face burnt like a brand
As the black cascade of perfume came tumbling over his breast;
And he kissed its waves in the moonlight,
(Oh, sweet black waves in the moonlight!)
Then he tugged at his rein in the moonlight, and galloped away to the West.

Part Two
I
He did not come in the dawning; he did not come at noon;
And out o' the tawny sunset, before the rise o' the moon,
When the road was a gipsy's ribbon, looping the purple moor,
A red-coat troop came marching-
Marching-marching-
King George's men came marching, up to the old inn-door.

II
They said no word to the landlord, they drank his ale instead,
But they gagged his daughter and bound her to the foot of her narrow bed;
Two of them knelt at her casement, with muskets at their side!
There was death at every window;
And hell at one dark window;
For Bess could see, through the casement, the road that he would ride.

III
They had tied her up to attention, with many a sniggering jest;
They bound a musket beside her, with the barrel beneath her breast!
"Now keep good watch!" and they kissed her.
She heard the dead man say-
Look for me by moonlight;
Watch for me by moonlight;
I'll come to thee by moonlight, though hell should bar the way!

IV
She twisted her hands behind her; but all the knots held good!
She writhed her hands till here fingers were wet with sweat or blood!
They stretched and strained in the darkness, and the hours crawled by like
years,
Till, now, on the stroke of midnight,
Cold, on the stroke of midnight,
The tip of one finger touched it! The trigger at least was hers!

V
The tip of one finger touched it; she strove no more for the rest!
Up, she stood up to attention, with the barrel beneath her breast,
She would not risk their hearing; she would not strive again;
For the road lay bare in the moonlight;
Blank and bare in the moonlight;
And the blood of her veins in the moonlight throbbed to her love's refrain.

VI
Tlot-tlot; tlot-tlot! Had they heard it? The horse-hoofs
ringing clear;
Tlot-tlot, tlot-tlot, in the distance? Were they deaf that they did
not hear?
Down the ribbon of moonlight, over the brow of the hill,
The highwayman came riding,
Riding, riding!
The red-coats looked to their priming! She stood up strait and still!

VII
Tlot-tlot, in the frosty silence! Tlot-tlot, in the echoing night
!
Nearer he came and nearer! Her face was like a light!
Her eyes grew wide for a moment; she drew one last deep breath,
Then her finger moved in the moonlight,
Her musket shattered the moonlight,
Shattered her breast in the moonlight and warned him-with her death.

VIII
He turned; he spurred to the West; he did not know who stood
Bowed, with her head o'er the musket, drenched with her own red blood!
Not till the dawn he heard it, his face grew grey to hear
How Bess, the landlord's daughter,
The landlord's black-eyed daughter,
Had watched for her love in the moonlight, and died in the darkness there.

IX
Back, he spurred like a madman, shrieking a curse to the sky,
With the white road smoking behind him and his rapier brandished high!
Blood-red were his spurs i' the golden noon; wine-red was his velvet coat,
When they shot him down on the highway,
Down like a dog on the highway,
And he lay in his blood on the highway, with a bunch of lace at his throat.

* * * * * *

X
And still of a winter's night, they say, when the wind is in the trees,
When the moon is a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,
When the road is a ribbon of moonlight over the purple moor,
A highwayman comes riding-
Riding-riding-
A highwayman comes riding, up to the old inn-door.

XI
Over the cobbles he clatters and clangs in the dark inn-yard,
And he taps with his whip on the shutters, but all is locked and barred;
He whistles a tune to the window, and who should be waiting there
But the landlord's black-eyed daughter,
Bess, the landlord's daughter,
Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair.

Distractions

2008-11-12T16:53:00.006-05:00

Tomorrow I have my first appointment with my psychiatrist. I'm both excited and scared about the experience. I know that the chances of getting better are now greatly increased but I'm afraid of what I may find out. I'm hoping I already know the gist of what my issues are. I know that I have a few OCD tendencies. I know that I have severe social issues, severe anxiety issues and I've been battling with depression since I can remember. That's alot of have on your plate at one time. I'm trying to be strong but sometimes I just wanna give up. I've been distracting myself with a new game as of late. I love being able to get my hands on just about any piece of software out there. It's called Far Cry 2. it's got some really impressive next gen graphics and is one of those games that you can really loose yourself in. Unfortunately, it seems to be a new point of obsession. I guess it's better then falling deep in a depression. distractions can be good.

strange dream

2008-11-08T00:38:00.003-05:00

last night I had a weird dream. I was an in-patient at a mental hospital and I ended up falling in love with a girl who was also a patient there. For weeks we kept it from doctors. We got very close during that time but she ended up killing her self. I remember waking up feeling very sad and depressed. I felt very connected to this girl, whoever she was. I hate vivid dreams like this. I walked around all day today thinking about this girl and what she did for me at the hospital. I wonder what made her commit suicide. Why was she in there in the first place? Maybe my questions will be answered tonight.

Blessed New Year

2008-11-03T15:17:00.011-05:00

For those of you who are a little confused by the title of this entry, The new year according to Pagan/Wiccan beliefs is a holiday called Samhain. It falls on the 31st day of October. It marks the end of the harvest, the first official grasp of winter on the land and the death of the Goddess's consort who she will inevitably give birth to in the spring to start the cyclical year over again. (oh. like Christian mythology isn't just as weird lol.)

Things have been alright as of late. I finally saw the doctor regarding some issues I've been in need of addressing The biggest and most dire of which is my sleep pattern...or lack there of. It was a bitter sweet moment because on one hand I started a chain of events in play that will hopefully end up in my getting the help I now realize I so desperately need. On the other hand to do that I'm forced to revisit the best and worse time in my short life. My sorted relationship with "My White Mistress". No...not coke...Ambien. Unfortunately I need it. My doctor and I have tried every combination of sleep aide there is less the REALLY heavy shit which I'm understandably adverse to. That's the next step unfortunately as it doesn't seem to be having the same effect on me as it once did. I'm trying to fix things and I realise it requires a certain level of sacrifice I just hope I don't loose myself on the way.

Jason has been busting his ass studying for a test he's already taken 5 years ago. He's going back to school to get his PHD in psychology. Dr. Jason will be a professor when all said and done. I'm proud of him. I want him to be happy and I'm willing to make sacrifices there as well. The path towards his PHD wont be easy on any of us but it's what he has to do. It's what will make him happy and I stand behind him %100. It also means that in a years time we may all have to relocate to where ever his school is. Could be anywhere from right here down the street or as far west as California. Needless to say I'm hoping for the former. I already have home issues and this certainly doesn't help. I've had a problem feeling as if I was "home" since before I moved out of my apartment with my roommate Mikey. I miss Mikey. We were very close once upon a time but unfortunately it seems as if Mikey has only enough room within him for one thing, his Voodoo practice. I think it was the one thing that drove us apart. He became consumed by it and changed not to mention I believe that voodoo nearly killed me...literally via a house fire this time last year. I wish we could find a common ground to connect with again like we once had with Kung Fu flicks and video games. I certainly don't go blameless through this loss though. there are things I could have done/ could do to salvage the once great friendship we shared. I don't know. Maybe I've just grown too bitter, to consumed myself. There are alot of people I wish stayed in my life Cal, Warren (The first guy I dubbed my "Brother"), Guy, Tina The list goes on and on depressingly. Sure there are things I could have done. Hind sight is 20/20 right?

Now on to less depressing matters. I recently cut all my longish hair off. It's crazy short now. I like it like this. I don't have to worry about anything with it. I think I may keep it like this for a while. Right now I need "easy".

Mama calls me nearly every day to check up on me and see how I'm holding up. I look forward to her calls although sometimes I'm admittedly a little short with her. I don't mean to be. sometimes I just don't have the patience for anyone or anything. I know I worry her and that tears me up inside. I honestly don't know what I'd do if something happened to her. My mom and I have an amazing relationship. Ya know that woman in your life who's mother to all of your friends and all of their friends?...That's my mom. Most of my friends growing up and now even know her only as Mama. (I look forward to her long winded and sappy response to this one, They always put a smile of my face)

My Favorite Sparkling Wiggles

2008-10-24T21:29:00.003-04:00

Josh and I went to pick up his new glasses today. They're gonna take him a while to get used to. He got progressive bifocals that seem to have a VERY narrow field of view.

Update

2008-10-23T20:14:00.000-04:00

Just a few updates to whats been going on as of late. Josh has been spending alot more time hangin out with me. Yesterday I opened up to him about whats been going on and although he didn't quite understand fully what I was telling him he had (as always) some good advice. It was nice talking to him about it. He seems to understand a little more then most and I count myself very lucky that he's here for me. I look up to josh in many ways and I take his advice on board when he gives it. I'll end my update on josh with 2 photos of him. The first photo is of him just being the lil angel he is while sleeping :-p

The other day Josh Kirnan and I found ourselves at the mall so that we could get a new hard drive for Kirnan's laptop. While there Josh decided to pick up a few items for his Halloween costume. For those of you weak of heart look away now lol. Photo #2 is Roxanne.

I set up my altar in a different location recently. Originally I had it inside the fireplace facing west but I didn't feel right about it being there. My altar has always faced east as it should as per my practice. Unfortunately, there was only one place in the entire apartment I could put it. The only bare eastern wall is in the bedroom. its finally up and running. I feel pretty good about it being there. It looks great. A little bit smaller then I'm used to but I did what I could.

Craig will be coming to America soon. He's going to be spending Christmas and New Years here in NY with Jay, Kirnan and I. I can't wail to see him again. There are times that I miss Tunbridge Wells. All the positive memories of England revolve around T-Wells, Marsala (an amazing Indian Restaurant) and Craig. He recently send me a crispy new $5 American bill for loosing a stupid bet we made in the London airport. Thanks! :-D

I'm sure there's more to post but I'm drawing a blank at the moment. I'll post again soon.

2008-10-21T06:12:00.001-04:00

It's amazing how long I can lay in bed, dead tired and not sleep at all.

-Sent from my iPhone

Fhew!!!!

2008-10-15T18:00:00.004-04:00

Luckily I figured out that it wasn't the main HD that went bad. It was the secondary that pooped out on me. I took both drives apart to see if there was anything I could do to remedy the problem. as soon as the bad drive was out of the equation my baby started up normally. at some point I'll be replacing the secondary drive with a bigger, better one. I thinking a 500 gig. That'll push me up to 3/4 of Terabyte.

Jason informed me the other day that he's gonna be getting a new desktop computer through work at a great deal. It's a $1,700 Dell with everything he'll need for quite a while. To help me feel better He's giving me his laptop. I've been drooling over his laptop for a while now. It's not top of the line any more but its definitely better then par. He got it through work a year or so ago for $3,000 and some change....We're still paying that off. I gave my old laptop to Kelly when I moved to England and ever since then I've been thinking about getting another one. I was at one point considering getting a Mac laptop and still might at some point but not for a long while when we have more then enough money to play with.

Josh is coming over Friday to spend the weekend with us which seems to be a constant recently. I love when josh is here. I made a comment the other day about how Josh would be one of the last people I turn to in a time of need. I've been thinking about that comment for a few days now and I now realize that it's completely false. Josh has been an amazing friend to me and has helped me more then I realized. The original comment flew out of me without proper explination. By it I ment that it's hard to turn to someone who's been dealing with far more (MUCH better) then I am. I look up to Josh more then he knows and I'm VERY greatfull and proud to call him my friend. He's an amazing guy and I love him very much. He was a little bummed to read what I wrote about him the other day. I didnt realize it till later that it didnt read the way it was writen. I love you kiddo, Thanks for being there for me. You know that I'll always be here for you no matter what. I'd do anything for you.

As if things weren't bad enough.....

2008-10-14T16:30:00.003-04:00

I got up today to find that my computer is completely dead. It sounds like the main HD went bad at some point in the early morning. I was on it at 6am before I tried to go to bed. Someone up there hates me I'm sure of that now bad shit just keeps piling on top of bad shit.

-sent from my iPhone

2008-10-11T03:13:00.001-04:00

Things don't seem to be getting any better. I'm still trying my
damnedest to claw my way out if this depression with absolutly no
success. I need sleep. I need my head to stop raceing. I need to not
be alone day in and day out. I need to confide in someone but the
closest I could get is someone who pretends they understand which is
at least something I guess.

-Sent from my iPhone

2008-10-10T05:37:00.001-04:00

Insomnia sucks!!!!

-Sent from my iPhone

shit day

2008-10-06T21:56:00.005-04:00

today's been an exceptionally shitty day. I spent the day being extremely depressed and just didn't even want to get out of bed today. Everything that happened today and everyone I was around just seemed to make things worse. Our luck with automobiles continues... We borrowed jays fathers car so that we could get jay to work. It died today in the middle of Podunk, nowhere. To top it off.... It started hailing while we were waiting for a tow truck. Little things that just added to the shitty week I've been having. Unfortunately there's nobody here that can make me feel better right now. I love Jay, Kirnan and Josh more than anything but none of them can help me now. Jay seems to understand better then anyone but josh and kirnan are the last ones I'd turn to to help me feel better to be honest. I just wanna sleep the rest of this fucked up week away and hope for something better. I appreciate all your well wishes but save em for when they'll make a difference. Right now I need action not well wishes. Jay tries but there's only so much that can be done when I'm like this. I hate feeling hopeless.

"Car crash... ending your day......."

2008-10-05T01:36:00.005-04:00

Today was a weird day. I'm sitting here right now listening to the song "Car Crash" by Our Lady Peace. Why? Well because I was in a pretty bad car crash earlier. Both cars were totaled but through the grace of the gods nobody had a scratch on them. It was Kirnan, Josh and myself in the PT Cruiser driving to Kirnans parents house when an out of state driver failed to yield at a stop sign. He pulled out right in front of us and we T-boned him 2 feet behind the driver. The magnitude of the event hasn't fully sunk in yet. we're all still a little shaken. We all were very lucky tonight. a quarter of a nano second later and we could have killed the other driver. After the impact our car started to fill with smoke via the controlled explosion from the air bags. I spun around to make sure Kirnan and Josh were alright. Once confirmed I jumped out of the car and ran around to the other cor to make sure they were alright. In the back seat...2 empty child's car seats. This was Josh and my first official car accident. I tried to take photos but it was dark and the iPhone sucks at night shots. Unfortunately I didn't get a shot of our car. They towed it away before I thought to take photos.

Another sleepless night.

2008-10-02T04:35:00.002-04:00

although tonight seems to have a purpose... My mind is racing with some of the most undesirable thoughts one can have. This is all too familiar to me. It means I'm to expect another deep, powerful depression in the coming days. Maybe it's a self fulfilling prophecy but this is the way it's been for years and I can't fight it alone. Although those who know me best know that when I'm depressed it's near impossible to reach me. My recoil mechanism is stronger then any other reaction in my body. I feel very alone right now. How is that possible? I'm in bed with my 2 boys. I guess it's the difference between being physically and emotionally alone. God I hate watching them sleep like little babies.

Late nights.

2008-10-01T05:11:00.001-04:00

Ever since I can remember I've always had severe sleep issues. I could
spend days on end on very little to absolutly no sleep what so ever.
Once in my life I remember feeling as though I was sleeping like a
normal person. Unfortunatly that turned into a very nasty addiction to
Ambien. I've never been addicted to anything like I was to Ambien. It
was by far one of the best and worst things to ever happen to me. I
spent some hellish nights trying desprately to force myself to NOT
want that little perfect pill and in the long run I beat it but it's
on nights like these that make me look back on those perfect nights
that gave way to perfect mornings. I don't think I could ever go back
to that but god damn I want to, more then anything right now. I never
knew addiction before this pill but I know that I will be craving it
for the rest of my life.

-Sent from my iPhone

I'm a Sicko......

2008-09-21T01:46:00.006-04:00

OK, so there's definitely a reason why I haven't posted a blog in a while. The past week has been spent being rushed to and from the ER. In the course of 2 days I came down with a REALLY nasty combination of Strep throat and Bronchitis. I reached a fever of 103°F several times during the week. I wasn't able to eat or even drink water for 3 days straight. The pain got so bad at one point I was rushed to the ER and had to be shot full of Morphine (which was REALLY fun....it was my first experience with it). Not many people knew I was sick outside of the obvious (Jay, Kirnan and Mom) but I made sure to keep Turtle as up to date as I could and as always he had great advice and was obviously concerned for me. I appreciate him very much...There's a reason I consider him a brother.

Mom came over earlier today with a surprise guest who I haven't seen in YEARS. Her sister, my Aunt Karen. it was great seeing her. definitely unexpected considering she lives in Florida.

I gatta get my ass to bed I'm still sick but on VERY powerful painkillers so I'm very high at the moment but before I go I wanna share a very embarrassing photo taken of me in the ER shortly after I experienced the joys of Morphine.......

Long Over Due Post

2008-09-05T16:53:00.006-04:00

Ok, so most of you already know that I'm home now and most of you know why. I couldn't blog about most of my experiences in England for 2 reasons. 1) I planned to surprise my mom by randomly showing up on her door step which instantly turned her into a big sloppy mess. she started balling the second she saw me and didn't stop for quite a while. I loved it :-p The second reason is because Jay and I were living with a violent psychopath. We knew that Trevor had BIG issues but none of us realized how deep his problems go. He spent a long time lieing to us and making our lives a living hell. At one point it got soo bad that Jay snapped and actually punched him in the head. He needs help and I failed to help him because I wasn't interested in him the way he wanted me to be. He blamed me for feeling the way he does. He's good at that. He blames everyone and everything for his actions but himself. I feel very sorry for him. Jay and I did end up meeting some absolutely amazing people while there. Surprisingly they were all Trevor's friends or ex-friends. If anything it was that that made me realize how fucked up this guy really is. There are a herd of really amazing people around him at all times who he treats like absolute shit. I realized early on that it would take an amazing person to deal with this racist, bigoted, ugly person. I spent WAY too much time, energy and emotion trying to help him and he let everyone down. I gave him MORE then enough opportunity to redeem himself but he just kept letting us down and lieing to us and promising things that he had no intention of fulfilling. He could have whipped away all of the ill Will with only a few strategic events but hes too sick to realise what he had.I refuse to waste any more of my time on him. I'm glad to be home and I'm glad that I never have to see him or hear from him again. Maybe someday when he's gotten himself some professional help and realizes that the world he lives in is violently wrong maybe then but I will not hold my breath. I expect nothing more then for him to spend the rest of his life sad and alone.

The second we landed on American soil we had the most amazing luck. the day after we secured an amazing apartment in a great location for crazy cheap. It has more then enough room for Kirnan, Jay and myself. Of course because of our grossly misguided faith in our move to England we ended up selling or giving away almost all of our possessions so we had nothing to move in. but that only lasted a few days. There are some amazing people out there who are willing to selflessly give to help out a friend or family member. We now have everything we need to be vary comfortable here. A NICE couch a bed big enough for the 3 of us, Internet and TV. The only thing we're lacking is money. None of us have ever been this poor before. We have very little food and JUST enough money for gas to and from Kirnans work. Its depressing but we cant do much about it at the time being. I love this apartment though. Once we get on our feet we have plans to get a 50" HDTV flat panel for above our beautiful fireplace. Once we all start working again we'll have enough money to live very comfortably but till then we're hurtin.

Oh BTW if anyone decides to go to England under no circomstances should you ship anything with a company called Intercargo. This is how our shit showed up. Luckily someone up there was watching out for us and smiling on us so nothing was destroyed too much....The white box in the back is my $3600.00 computer

2008-08-21T17:11:00.002-04:00

there's soo much going on at the moment and soo much to blog about...... Unfortunatly it'll have to wait though.

Poo

2008-08-11T19:15:00.004-04:00

does anyone have an extra $1600 bucks or £800 quid laying around not doing anything?

we're all nerds.....

2008-08-05T17:41:00.002-04:00

Right now Jay, Craig and I (jay and my scottish friend) are fighting with iSabers, the iPhone version of a light saber. :-p we're such nerds. I've never felt so dorky before. Hehe

Post London Update.

2008-08-04T09:31:00.008-04:00

hmmm....what I say about my experience in London. Sooooo many things happened. Most of which I cant yet talk about. Some are still alive and kicking and in the works and some things died one night in a London Pub. I wish more then anything I didn't have a self censor especially on my own god damn blog but unfortunately There are things that need to be done to ensure a safe voyage down a specific path. However I can talk about some things. The work I did in London was at The International British Motor Show @ Excel in London selling Mclaren Mercades and Ferrari merchandise. The work wasn't hard at all, I mean I'm well used to retail so it was familiar enough. I didn't get to see too much of the show. I was working 12 hours days for 2 weeks straight with only one day off which I spend with Jay tooling around London revisiting some of the places we saw last year and seeing some new ones. We had quite laterally the best sushi and miso I've ever had in my life that day. It's weird how you just happen upon these things. We were walking back from a museum and there it was. The cars at the show were VERY impressive. There were a bunch of street cars which didn't intrest me at all but there were a few concept cars that just blew me away. This monster has heads up displays. infrared cameras all over the place instead of mirrors and a docking bay in the back bumper designed for 2 segways. Although I cant remember the specifics but the MPGs were WELL impressive as a hybrid hydrogen would be. There were cars all over the place like this though.

I got myself a new wallet and jacket while there...The wallet was bought straight out but the jacket was a dramatic mind fuck to say the least. Originally it was given to me by...lets just say someone. this person handed it to me and apologized for...something telling me I wasn't allowed to wear it till we got back...OK, I didn't ask why but OK... I though it was a really nice gesture to make at the time but about 3 days ago the boss comes up to me and casually mentions that we still need to sort the jacket out...."OK...Is it not already sorted?" I though but apparently it hadn't been paid for. so the boss man goes up to this person and asks who's paying for it and the fuck points at me and says "he is!" so I did. I wasn't about to play whatever game he was playing. I have no patience for it anymore and I certainly AM NOT going to put any MORE energy into it. This was just one example of this certain someone doing certain things to ruin things for a very long time....a few nights prior jay took the train up to London to spend the night with me....long story short Jason ended up punching this person in the head several times for doing something unspeakably stupid and insane. I've never seen Jay like that before. I didn't know he even had it in him. I was soo proud of him. The person on the other end of jays wrath deserved what he got by far. he's lucky he didn't move a muscle after jay hit him because I instantly went into fight mode and would have beat the shit out of him with jay if he had tried at all to respond or do anything but just sit there and take it like he did.

theres alot that I choose to not put in this blog for obvious reasons but I'll be happy to inform whomever would like to know the details in private....OK enough for now....I can already see the storm raging on in the distance but my wall is now fully protected...YAY! there may be a few cracks in it but I'm an emotional mason unlike any other. I'll write more later when I have the time and energy to do so. today I rest and ready myself for work tomorrow then off to dinner and drinks with a good friend.

2008-07-21T17:58:00.001-04:00

.....And so rages the storm

Although my wall of under protection is in slightly better order then I assumed it was capible of being.

Update

2008-07-18T11:04:00.004-04:00

The last few days have been a weird mix. I got myself a part time job working at a Tunbridge Wells dry cleaner. It's not great work but it puts cash in my pocket. I just recently learned of another job that will pay very well. It's a one time deal selling motor sport merchandise at an event in London. Hotel and meals included during my stay in London for 80 quid a day which is not bad at all for sitting in a booth all day selling crap. Plus, I love London anyway so during the few times off in the 11 days of work I'll be able to tool around London and see some sites...the only sucky thing is I'll be tooling around alone most likely. Trevor will be going with me but our days off may not coincide. It'll be uncomfortable to say the least but there's not much I wouldn't deal with for almost 1000 Pounds. Hopefully whereever I'm staying will have an open router I can sneak through to email home and update this blog.

I recently received an email from an ex of mine who I all but thought had dropped off the face the earth. We hadn't spoken in years but it was a nice surprise to hear from him.

I spoke to Jon last night for a little while but fate apparently had better things for us to do. The phone on my end cut out on us 3 times so we decided to try yahoo and cam a bit which ended in him signing off and not returning due to his laptop being un-updated for a while. Every time I get to see him and speak to him he puts a HUGE smile on my face. I love him soo much. Most of the money I make will be squirrelled away so that I can eventually get a flat with him.

I've been in a slightly better mood as of late but I fear that will be short lived. I have very little to base that on though. Just a feeling, an observation rather. Many times my mood relays on those around me to stay above water and I see the moral in this house plummet before my eyes. It's just the natural, predictablity of human nature and all I can do is sit back, crouch down behind my slightly over exposed wall of protection and wait for the storm to pass.

iPhone Update 2.0

2008-07-13T16:01:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I was finally able to download and install the iPhone 2.0 OS update. Apparently Apple underestimated the amount of people chomping at the bit to get it (How that happened I couldn't even begin to guess). I was a 3 hour ordeal downloading the latest version of iTunes (7.7) and then trying to track down the 2.0 update. From what I read on the iPhone posting boards Apple's servers couldn't handle the amount of traffic it was getting from the 2.0 update. so I finally found it and had to manually install it which wasn't a huge deal...it was easy enough I guess. So after an hour of trying to update iTunes I was finally ready for the new OS which ended up taking another 2 hours to update. After all that it was WELL worth the time and energy. The new update is amazing....or would be rather if I wasn't in England where the location based services are useless. Regardless of that theres a shit load of new features like the app store and the ability to save programs and apps right to your device. all in all I spent 5 hours playing with it and figuring out what it could do. it was like having a new toy. Seeing as how I don't really have any mobile service on it yet (as if would be INSANELY expensive to use AT&T in England) I eventually have a slightly thicker iTouch but regardless of that fact I would DEFINITELY recommend getting yourself an iTouch or an iPhone. The iPhone 3G is impressing but has some very disturbing down falls such as the fact that the cellular radio in the 3G iPhone seems to be quite a bit less responsive then the previous version (or so my friend tells me) and the battery seems to extinguish itself at a much faster rate.

And so come the nightmares.....

2008-07-13T12:29:00.000-04:00

Enough said.

Blah

2008-07-11T10:57:00.003-04:00

Today's been a really shitty day so far...and it's only 4pm. The last 2 days have been spent in a DEEP depression and VERY homesick. I miss Jon soo much. Jay and Trevor left early this morning for an event called Goodwood. It's some sort of auto show or so I've been told. I wasn't up to going. I'm not feeling right. I feel soo drained. emotionally and physically. I'm getting to the end of my rope. There's soo much to worry about here and soo much to tip toe around...I just don't have the energy for it anymore. I wanna just curl up in a ball and sleep. I know I'm kicking myself in the nuts by expressing this in my blog. Certain people will take things the wrong way or read into things and I'll be spending the next few days explaining myself. I don't care anymore. I'm tired of tip toeing through a mine field I'll never be able to cross and I refuse to censer myself in my own blog in fear of a misunderstanding. Mine fields SUCK!

UK phones

2008-07-10T03:34:00.003-04:00

Jay and I now have mobiles and UK phone numbers :-D It's such a small thing but its very exciting for some reason. In some small way it's like some very small step on the road to accually LIVING here perminantly. I like my lil phone but at some point once I can afford to do so I'm gonna get myself a 7MP camera phone :-D .....a few quid. for those of you who need the number message me and I'll give it thee.

Fists of fury, Black Powder Bisley and Hidden Agendas

2008-07-08T13:42:00.012-04:00

Alot's happened in the few days Since I last posted a blog. Friday we ended up going to a club in London. THAT WAS WEIRD. We went with a friend of Trevors who's into the leather scene. Little did we know Friday turned out to be a themed night......Fisting Friday. YES! Fisting Friday. Now, I'm not onto the leather scene and I certainly am not into fisting but I though it would be a giggle to go to London dressed up in leather to experience something I've never experienced before. It was the first time in my life I've ever experienced a fetish sex club before. It was interesting. I'll spare you the details because, well, they're quite graphic but oddly enough I did enjoy myself. We got home (as the sun was coming up) only to get 2 hours of sleep then it was off to Bisley for some good old English range shooting.
I had an absolute blast shooting
at Bisley I got the opportunity to shoot probably half a dozen firearms including a black powder revolver which you can see in the video. Apparently I surprised everyone when we first got there when my last shot with the first rifle I fired (It's been YEARS since I've been to a range) was an off center bulls eye at 900 yards. From the long ranges we went to the short rifle ranges and engaged in a friendly English shooting competition. (Jay and I shown below) My gun didn't chamber one of my rounds correctly so I lost points for that. I came in 5Th place but I beat out a rifle instructor of 10 years who came in 6Th. Jay was tied in dead last place with 2 other people.

Jay has a job now! It's not a great job but hes making decent money (almost as much as he made at Time Warner) He's not a huge fan of it and he comes home exhausted every day but its good money. Now I gatta cross my fingers and hope to fall into a decent job like Jay did.

Jon and I ended up having a not at all pleasant conversation last night. I was up till 6:30am trying to understand something that just didn't make since to me at all. I learned some things last night that I'd be much happier not knowing. I learned about priorities and how Jon's mind works. I learned that Jon has issues with Trevor That could destroy our future for England I have alot to think about regarding what England is doing to our relationship. It all boils down to the fact that if Jon can't get over it...we're coming home. Definitely not the ideal situation obviously.

Tunbridge Wells

2008-06-30T14:57:00.006-04:00

It's always nice to have money (....even if I can't spend it yet.) I've missed having the queens paper in my wallet and her coins in my pocket :-p

We spent the day in Tunbridge Wells today just walking around taking photos. I got a few that I cant wait to send to Mom. Some very pretty English roses I know she'll get a kick out of. I'll Update again later with another photo once I get it off "The Beast".

Slow Responces

2008-06-30T00:24:00.007-04:00

Unfortunately I can't blog or check my mail as efficiently as I could a few days ago because Trevor's router (or "rooter" as they call it here) has been wonky so please forgive me if I don't respond to your messages quick enough or blog as often. Hopefully Trevor will remedy this issue soon.

Things went better today. Still home sick. I miss Jon, Mom, Cal, and Josh like CRAZY.

I have to stop staying up so late....It's 5:33am here.

I have a ZATOICHI!!! Thank you Trevor!!! I shall use it to kill the zombies when they come :-p ......... WEEEEEEEE!!!! .......... Randomness!!!!!

Ehhhh

2008-06-28T13:59:00.003-04:00

Today has been a really shitty day. I'm incredibly home sick, incredibly depressed and starting to think thoughts I don't wanna be thinking...I gave up SOOOO much to come here. I wanna make this work more then anything but there are certain things in the way of that right now...I don't wanna be considering going home after less then a week here.

I talked to Jon earlier today. It was soo nice to hear his beautiful voice again. I miss him soo much it physically hurts.

My computer still hasn't arrived yet. I really hope it gets here soon. I cant stand Jay's laptop sometimes. I appreciate the fact that he lets me use it but its nothing like my 'puter. I don't even know where I'd put it once it gets here. We have barely enough room to walk in here. we have the contents of 2 lives, an entire apartment and Trevor's figures and toys in this room.

Confused beyond belief

2008-06-27T17:37:00.006-04:00

We went grocery shopping earlier today....I'm not gonna say anything about the experience...I'm just gonna post some pics I took and watch as your brain leeks from your ears.....

Lazy Day Today

2008-06-27T10:05:00.003-04:00

There's not much going on today...gonna go to the store @ some point and grab some cheap food other then that just organizing our living space so that we can find something....anything!
I get VERY homesick. I miss Cal, Josh, Kelly and everyone else that was left in the states but most of all I miss Jon. He sends us audio messages every day which help greatly but its just not the same. I need to hold his hand and kiss his lips. I try not to show my depression here because Trevor is VERY sensitive to things of this nature and takes everything the wrong way so its best he didn't see it. I got to see Jon's beautiful face on cam last night which almost made me cry.
Earlier in the night however we went to this AMAZING Indian food place in Tunbridge wells call Masalas. The food there was some of the best Indian cuisine I've had in a VERY long time...since London Last year in fact. I had Lamb Korma....VERY tasty. Got drunk on Cobra beer which was the beer I got drunk on last year....apparently the alcohol content in England is slightly higher then it is in the states combine that with spicy Indian food and I end up drinking more beer faster :-p Then we strolled across the street and had a few drinks while listening to a nice 21 piece big band concert. The photo above is one of the concert. All in all I had a very nice day yesterday.

VERY important!!!!

2008-06-25T11:04:00.000-04:00

Please only call, text or voicemail ONLY in case of an emergency. It
is insainly expensive using iPhone over here. Email is fine thou I'll
have wifi at all times at Trevor's. If I'm out it may take a while
before I respond so keep that in mind.

-Sent from my iPhone

We're here safe and sound

2008-06-25T10:40:00.000-04:00

I'll save the details for when I can get at jays laptop and spend some
time writing but we made it. Got hung up at both jfk and heathrow for
a while. Lucky us. I tried calling mom and jon but neither seem to be
answering their phones. Trevor has crazy cheap calling plans to the
US, £0.01 a minute. Not bad at all. Air India was ALOT better then we
thought it would be. Gonna be uploading alot more pics when I get
settled. I love you all.

Everything must go sale

2008-06-21T14:42:00.001-04:00

Things are going very slowly today. We had a few people leave with
some stuff but most of the day has been spent just sitting around
waiting. This is so stressful and sad. I hate seeing shit I paid very
pretty penny for leave for just a few dollars. As you can see from the
photo we still have alot to go. I think we're probably gonna be
chucking alot of it out. I don't even know if I can post photos to my
blog via email but well see. If there's no photo there should be.

The Den of the Vulpine Boi

Looking Up?

Trying Times

My Sister Passes On.

Stange Turn of Events

Life change.

The sky filled with fire...

I had a dream a few nights ago....

Dinner and inconsistencies

The world I know....

Some Good, Some Bad

An Unexpected Turn of Events.

Shit day

Long Night....

It's Official.

Yay!.....Go Me!

The Question......

Work Out Routine

Vulpine Eye Photography

New toys coming soon

Interesting turn of events

Updatedness

.....Weirdness

...And I Breathed a Sigh orf Relief...

The Word of the Day is Infallibilty....

Today.....

Full Moon

Today......

Alot has happened.....

Today's the Big Day!!!

My Quarter Century Birthday

New Business Cards

Offical Press Release

IT'S OFFICIAL!!!!!!

Good Things

A Better Day

Shitty Few Days

Something New

*Update*

New Blog!

What I'm Ment To Do......

A Life Slowly Dieing

A Continuation of the Day Before and the Day Before and......

Random Depressive Rambling

Birthday Wishes

New Hair...or lack there of.

The Origins of Magick

Seizures, New Years and the Aftermath That Took the Form of Art

Doing Better and Very Busy

Fuck Everyone

Craig, Photography and old ideas made anew

Yule Celebrations and Old Friends

Words of Wisdom From an Unlikely Source

Starting to feel better

Sick as a dog again....

Powerless

Power outage

GTA IV

The Death of Common Sense

New Laptop

Game reviews, Therapy, Art and Lost friends newly found

This is the future

The Highwayman

Distractions

strange dream

Blessed New Year

My Favorite Sparkling Wiggles

*Update*

Fhew!!!!

As if things weren't bad enough.....

shit day

"Car crash... ending your day......."

Another sleepless night.

Late nights.

I'm a Sicko......

Long Over Due Post

Poo

we're all nerds.....

Post London Update.

*Update*

Update

Update

Update